Thursday, December 17, 2009

I Drown You In The Name of The Father....

Dub makes me laugh most all day long. When he is not making me laugh he is being so tender and sweet it almost makes me cry. I had a VERY EXPIRED roll of B&W film in my camera bag. I wasn't sure these shots would turn out all that great but we had fun taking them and I was very happy to see they turned out so well.

Funny Dub saying of the week:
We were talking about how Buzz only has seven months left before he gets baptized and Dub says "Mom, zero more until my bathtism."
Me- "baPtsim Dub, and you have 3 1/2 more years."
Dub- "Nooa! It's bathtism. You know when you get in that bathtub at the church and Dad drowns you down."

See, always making me laugh. Love this boy!








Thursday, December 10, 2009

Mom, MD

Monday morning I called the doctor to make appointments for the boys to be seen for their sniffling, sneezing, coughing, aching, fevers and sore throats. I know you just said, "so you can rest medicine" didn't you? And an appointment for me to see my doctor about my crazy heart. I would not normally take them in for these symptoms but my mommy intuition said this is more than just colds. I was sure Vootz had a sinus infection, Dub had an ear infection and I was fairly positive the other two had pneumonia...again. The appointment nurse took all the names and id numbers for my kids and all their symptoms and said, "For the boys, I have one appointment at 1:00 today, an appointment at 2:00 and 2:45 tomorrow and an appointment at 9:00 on Friday. Who would you like seen first?"

First thought, ARE YOU FREAKING KIDDING ME!! You want me to 1. Expose my family to the germy waiting room three different times, so they have three times the likelihood of coming home with more than we arrived with. and 2. You want me to pick which miserable child gets to feel better soonest. No! No! No!

Second thought, Don't argue with appointment lady it will get you put on hold indefinitely. "Umm, how about scheduling Buzz for 1:00 today and I will just have Dr. S see the others while we are there, because he will, because he is a good man, and I hate pulling the psycho mom who makes the medical assistants day a nightmare routine but so help me I will if I have to! take the others to the urgent care."

"Okay mam, now for you I have a 1:00 today."

"Ummm, that's kinda not gonna work if the Buzz is being seen at 1:00"

"You're not bringing someone with you to help?"

"Nooo."

"Oh, well can you bring someone with you?"

"Nooo."

"Oh, okay. Well how about at 2:00 then?"

"Great."

Dr. S saw all the boys, just like I knew he would. Vootz has a sinus infection. Dub has an ear infection, and the other two have pneumonia. Three hours and $50 in co-pays later I left knowing exactly what I knew when I got there. Except I had to have someone with MD behind his name say that so I could get the $120 worth of prescriptions and a referral.

Go Back To Bed

Friday 2 am...
Awakened by sniffs and sneezes from the boys room. Bring Vootz tissues, trash can and cold medicine. Go back to bed.

Saturday 1 am...
Awakened by sniffs, whining and sneezes from boys room. Bring Dub tissues and wipe his nose for him because he still has not mastered that concept. He can write his name, Rub's name, mom, dad and Batman but he cannot figure out how to blow his nose. Give him cold medicine. Go back to bed.

Sunday 2am...
Awakened by tossing and turning in my bed. Get JC Tums. Go back to bed.

Monday 3am...
Awakened by snoring in my bed. Elbow JC in the ribs.

Tuesday 2am...
Awakened by a noise that sounds like our back door closing. Elbow JC in the ribs. Send him into the living room to find out who is in our house. Don't worry I sent a weapon with him. Checked my kids to make sure they were all still in their beds, checked the locks on all the windows and doors. Make sure my car is still in the drive way. Must have been the neighbors door. Add one more reason to my list of why I do not like the city. Go back to bed.

Wednesday 4 am...
Awakened by "mommy I'm scared". Tuck Buzz in on the floor by my bed. Go back to bed.

Thursday 3 am...
Awakened by horrible wheezing coming from the boys room. Give Dub a breathing treatment. Go back to bed.

Friday 1 am...
Awakened by Dueling coughs in the boys room. Give Buzz and Rub cough meds and puffs. Go back to bed.

Saturday too tired to care what time it was...
Awakened by "Hunny, you awake?" "I am now"

Sunday 4:30 am...
Awakened by crying in the boys room. Dub has a fever and ear ache. Give him motrin and ear drops. Go back to bed.

Monday 8 am...
Call the doctor. Wish I could go back to bed!

Tuesday, December 8, 2009

Universal Law #'s 121 and 122

Scrubbing floors in bathrooms, behind toilets *shivers, gags*, scrubbing walls, showers, counters, sinks. Answer the phone.

Me- Hello.
JC- My truck won't start. You need to come get me.
(my kind, sweet husband, always thinking about what I need)*look at clothes, look at hair, look at sans makeup face*
Me- Where exactly are you?
JC- At the ranch.
(Hmm. pretty safe bet no one will be around.)
Me- Alright, on my way.
JC- Hurry up would ya.
(gotta hot date? *looks in mirror, shutters* not with me.)
Me- Yes darling. Bye.

Get to the ranch, look around, yep pretty saf.....ugh another person. Try to stay concealed while JC gathers his things and gets in. We drive away and NOT toward home. Squirming, anxiety, perspiration, irritation. Pull up to very nice equipment yard. See nice looking man with beautiful wife and daughter. Die a thousand deaths. Try to sink down and go unnoticed. Unsuccessful. Beautiful wife and daughter approach, open door and introduce themselves to us. Very sweet. *pray I had a nice Fairy Godmother wave her magic wand over me while I wasn't looking. Thankful I had at least brushed my teeth and used deodorant that morning.* Drive away *think of ways to torture JC for this*. Miss our street. *fuming, squirming, perspiration, anxiety,* Pull up to gas station. JC fills my tank. *Think about forgiving him sooner or later...maybe*

Rub- Mom, dad has a lot of old hair right there.
Me- What do you mean "old hair" Rub? Why do you think it is old?
Rub- It's all white mom. Like old people.
*okay, had a laugh at his expense, got a tank of gas I might forgive him sooner rather than later.
On the road again, in the wrong direction again. Pull up at the barber shop. *Give thanks, they are closed* Headed the wrong way still. Pull up at the grocery store.

JC- I'll just pull up to the door, you can jump out and get things you need and I will find a parking spot.

Me- Let's just go home and I will go to the store Monday.

JC- We're already out. Just go.

*So NOT forgiving him.

Universal Law # 121
If you wear faded, bleach stained, holey yoga pants, baggie sweatshirt, no make up and have frizzy bed head hair you WILL be seen.

If you do your hair and make up every day and dress nicely, you will see NO ONE ALL DAY LONG, until you spill something down your front, or get spit up on etc.

Universal Law # 122
If you spent three days doing major house work, no one will will ever see it before it gets messed up again.

If your house looks like it could be the local landfill, expect company.

Universal Law # 123
If you have just gone grocery shopping, baked/ cooked up enough food for an army and have clean dishes to serve it up on, no one will ever stop by.

If you only have oatmeal and eggs and pickle relish left and all your dishes are in the dishwasher, expect company.

Tuesday, December 1, 2009

Dub...enough said.

Dub- Mom, we need to go to Target. Not to buy the Bat Spider but to buy kitty litter for sis.

Me- No. I don't need kitty litter for sis.

Dub- Yesss! She's hungry!

Me- Sis doesn't eat kitty litter, Dub. She goes to the bathroom in it.

Dub- Well we need to go get some cat food for her.

Me- No I have plenty of cat food at home.

Dub- Oh. Well if poo just comes out of her bum we need to put her on the toilet. Not our toilet. Her toilet, she's too small for our toilet, she'll just fall in down the hole and then we won't be able to give her gentle pets. But can we go to Target anyway? Not for the Bat Spider but for...umm...to just look at it?

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Conversations from this summer:

Me- Dub, we're going swimming get your flip flops on.
Dub- I'ne just gonna wear my Indie boots (Uggs)

Me- Dub, we need to go get Rub from school, get your flip flops on.
Dub- I just wanna wear my boots.

Me- Dub, it's 115 degrees outside, please leave your boots home and put your flip flops on we are going to the park.
Dub- That's ok. I will just be fine in my boots.

Recent conversations

Me- Dub lets go. Put your boots on we need to take the boys to school.
Dub- I can't find my flip flops.
Me- Dub it is 40 degrees outside! Put on your boots!
Dub- Ugh! All right!

Me- Dub, get your rain boots on we need to go to the school.
Dub- Ok mom.
Me- Dub those are not your boots. Those are sandals.
Dub- I just wanna wear 'em.
Me- Dub it is cold and rainy! PUT YOUR BOOTS ON!
Dub- I'll just wear my tennis shoes.

In the parking lot at the school ten minutes later...

Me- Watch out for the....ugh...puddle.
Dub- Sorry mom.
Me- Dub, why did you just jump in that puddle with your NEW WHITE SHOES?
Dub- I just did.
Me- Oh, ok. You just did. Hmm that tells me so much. Please do not jump in any more puddles unless you have your rain boots on.
Dub- Ok mom. I shouldn't jump in the mud too huh? That would be yucky.
Me- Very good. No mud.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Mrs. MK- Hey batman how are you today?
Dub- Good.
Mrs. MK- Are you looking for the Joker?
Dub- Nope. Riddler Goons!
Mrs. MK- Ok. Well good luck. See Ya Later Bruce Wayne.
Dub- Bye. Mom she talks funny.
Me- She talks funny? You do realize that you are the one using the deep southern accent in California right, and you think SHE talks funny?

Friday, November 13, 2009

Guess What I Found?.......

...$2.00 in pennies and nickles
John Deere check book cover filled with carbons but no checks.
New check book.
Pack of tissues
Lip gloss
Lip liner
Lipstick
Burt's Bees Peppermint chap stick
Burt's Bees Almond Hand cream
Nail file
4 Bobby pins
1 Clippy
1 Rubber band
1 Headband thingy
Compact
5 Pens from various places (sorry if you are missing your pen)
Eye drops
Purell
2 Wipey thingies for glasses
Half dozen various receipts
Insurance bill
Insurance receipt
Electric bill
Half dozen expired coupons for various things
AND...
1 Star mint once sticky and sucked on and now covered in lint, sand etc
2 lollipops half eaten and wrapped in tissue (I guess Lemon is not the flavor of choice)
Several pieces of ABC gum wrapped in tissue, paper, candy wrappers etc.
Lip Smackers Dr.Pepper chapstick tube, empty, with no lid.
4 Hot Wheels
1 Fireman
2 Soldiers
1 Anikan Skywalker
1 Ewok
6 Broken crayons
3 Colored pencils
2 Markers
3 Drawings of Star Wars
3 Used handiwipes covered in Ketchup smiles and grubby hand prints
1 Hat to the Lego Indiana Jones
1 Bouncy ball
1 Half Eaten bag of french fries I don't remember buying
1 Half Eaten Pop Tart
2 Peanut butter crackers still in the package but crushed
Several smashed goldfish crackers
1 Corn dog stick from I don't know where
1 Cupcake wrapper
1 Unidentifiable object believed to be at some point a baby carrot
1 Dead "snaily" in a plastic coin machine egg thingy.
A used band aid
1 dirty sock
2 Sea Shells
1 Acorn
About a 1/4 cup of sand
Some playground bark
and last but not least a homemade card that says, "Mommy you are the goodest mom ever. Love Buzz" on the outside and I couldn't read the inside because someone spit their used gum in it.

And that is why I no longer carry a purse. Last year for Christmas I found a super cute black and cream Toile purse trimmed in real leather for $10. I bought it with the idea that I would give to my sister in law for Christmas filled with lotsa cute little goodies. On the way home from the store I could not stop thinking about that purse touching, ogling, thinking of all the perfect outfits I had that it would look so cute with... . When I got home I put the purse on my closet shelf and that night I decided it would go perfect with the outfit I was wearing to an event that night. Sorry 'Brina. I kept the purse, I love the purse...except I don't carry it anymore because at our house we have a Gremlin. The "Honest, I don't know how that got there gremlin"...four of them to be exact. So I cleaned out the cutest purse ever and put it back on my shelf. Every now and then I hide clean out my closet and notice the Gremlin is still working, because "Honest I don't know how those chocolate donuts got in there."

Tuesday, November 3, 2009

Silly Man Says Whaaaat???

JC had Dubs yesterday while I had some assemblies and a PTC meeting at school. When I got home and asked how his day was his response was...

"Do you know how hard it is to get any work done when you have to entertain this kid?"

Are you serious? You must be joking. You did not really just ask me that question did you? I sent THE most easy going, self entertaining, least mischief making child with you. One child. Just one. Not all four, not three or even two. Just one. HELLOOOO!!!

Thursday, October 8, 2009

Oh, Don't Worry, It's Just Money, Your Ability To Own A Home...

I will be honest, I almost never answer our land line because anyone who wants to talk to me, that I want to talk to has my cell phone number. If they don't have my cell number then chances are they are sales people and I don't want to talk to them. Same goes for JC and his cell phone. The people who know us, know our cell numbers, the people who don't know us we don't generally want to talk to. Anyway to the point of the story. Monday night the land line rang and I was standing right there and wasn't doing anything so I answered it.

Caller: Is Mr. Moncur there?

Me: No. (which technically was not a lie, he wasn't there, he was in his office.) This is his wife, may I take a message for him.

Caller: This is Blah Blah* calling from Wells Fargo Bank. We are showing an outstanding balance of $253.78 on your revolving credit line.

Me: Umm. We don't have a credit line with you. In fact we don't even have an account with you. When was this credit line open?

Caller: It is a revolving line of credit and the account is under JC Moncur.

Me: I understand that, but when was it open, because he hasn't banked with you for almost 12 years. He doesn't have a line of credit with you or any other bank for that matter. So if there is an account there in his name that means someone has stolen his identity.

Caller: It says JC Moncur.

Me: Yes, I get that his name is on it, BUT he did not open an account with you.

Caller: Can you hold? *click, start annoying static/music here*

Me: Hmm... So glad you waited for the answer to that question.

15 minutes later.

Caller: Mam, I am sorry, it seems I was mistaken. Someone has your husbands old account number so when I entered the number in the computer your information came up. I am sorry to have worried you.

Me: So, our account that has been closed for 12 years, is now someone else's, but you have ALL of our current information on file. We have changed phone numbers at least four times since that account closed. Is there some way to remove us from the system so our credit doesn't accidentally get mixed up with his?

Caller: Oh, no your credit won't get mixed up.

Me: Well at the very least so as not to send me into a panic again.

Caller: Oh, this is very rare, I can assure you.

Me: I would like to have our information removed please.

Caller: Can you hold please. *click

Me: Hello? Hello? *dial tone.

I have been on the phone, on hold three times for no less than 20 minutes each time. I will be going to Wells Fargo on Monday to have a discussion with a manager in person, since there doesn't seem to be one living in India!

Thursday, October 1, 2009

Sunday Drive

While driving home from church one Sunday we decided to take a side trip through a little neighborhood to look at a house JC has been drooling over curious about. He tells me, "It looks like it is vacant, the lawn is dead, the weeds have taken over, the windows are under three layers of grime and there are cobwebs galore, but it has a lot of potential. It is a huge corner lot, with a two story playhouse in back and big shade trees." Then we turn the corner and the garage door is open and there are cars parked in it. That blows the vacant theory. The new theories are #1 They are the coolest haunted house on Halloween and they are preparing early for the most realistic look. OR #2 Their neighbors must really be irked at them for driving down the property value by not taking care of their lot.

Then Buzz says, "If we lived here we'd for sure get to ride the bus to school!"

Me- "Buzz, if we lived here you wouldn't go to your school. You would have to go to a new school, with new friends and new teachers."

Buzz- "Nuhuh! NO WAY are we moving HERE! I AM NOT going to a new school!"

Rub- "If we moved to Texas we'd take the bus for sure!"

JC- "Why Texas Rub?"

Rub- "So I can own a handgun silly."

Niiiice!

Later we were having "John Wayne Movie Sunday" and Rub says, "I can't be John Wayne because he's got a lasso and I don't have one."

Me- *mouthed to JC with raised eyebrows*- "A lasso? This boy is somethin' else."

JC- "You're a smart boy Rub."

Rub-"Well more or less."

I'm starting to wonder about this boy. A few weeks ago we had lunch with my mom at her office. Her desk is behind a large glass window that separates her from the lobby. Rub and Dub were in the lobby watching a movie while mom and I visited. When I looked through the window to check on them Rub passed his hand over his face in what I recognized as sign language, but could not remember what it meant.

Me- Hey Rub is that sign language?

Rub- Yes

Me- Mommy doesn't know what that means.

Rub- *flirty grin* "beautiful"

Me and mom in chorus- "awwww"

That's my boy!!

I'll Make The List, You Check It Twice

It's been rumored that I died, or at least that my blog died. Not true, we are alive and kickin'! Well kinda. My computer kicked the bucket, my vacuum died, and I haven't had time during the day to blog because I have been picking up every little piece of sand, popcorn and lint from my carpet by hand been just plain busy and at night I don't have access to JC's computer because he's home from work and thinks he should get to use his computer, imagine that. I was hoping to be able to get a laptop for Christmas but I had to buy a new vacuum instead. JC said something about "Cleanliness is next to...blah, blah, yackity smakity...." anyway no new laptop for me. You can mourn for me now, even though I am still alive, I feel as though I have died. My dreams of blogging from bed and of having my online recipe book open on the counter in the kitchen while I cook have been crushed! Smashed into little bits, that I will have to vacuum up with my new vacuum. *sniff, sniff* Santa if you are reading this, I still believe in you. I have been wonderfully good and sweet this year most of the time, except when I wasn't. I would like a new laptop for Christmas. That's all, just a laptop. Oh and some new perfume, it's called Inspiration. That's it. Just a laptop, and new perfume, and a new LBD, because I ate too many chocolate donuts to wear my old black dress my old back dress shrunk two sizes. That's all. Just three things. A laptop, inspiration and a new dress with some new heels and pearls...maybe I should just mail you my list. You're still at the North Pole right? Thanks Santa, I'll be waiting.

Wednesday, September 9, 2009

Driving While Texting Could Be Sexting

The reasons one should not drive and hold two different texting conversations at the same time...hypothetically speaking of course.

To make for easier reading we will call the parties involved Kiwi, Mel and Carver, purely hypothetical mind you.

Conversation #1 takes place between Kiwi and Mel. Conversation #2 takes place between Kiwi and Carver. Both conversations take place simultaneously while Kiwi is stopped at various red lights in town while trying to make a dent in the never ending to do list with a 4 and 5 year old in tow.

Conversation #1

Mel: I am putting together the packets tonight.
Kiwi: Do you want help?

Conversation #2

Kiwi: Are you listening to Groove 99.3?
Carver: Yes, why?

Conversation #1

Mel: Yeah, I know it's my job, but yes.
Kiwi: No problem. I can help.

Conversation #2

Kiwi: Who sings that song?
Carver: What song?

Conversation # 1

Mel: What time do you want to put them together?
Kiwi: I wanna sex you up...
*wait, uh oh, Noooo, Noooo Nooo!*
Here is where "hypothetically" of course Kiwi's face would turn bright red and she would feel like her face was a blazing inferno. She would frantically try to dial Mel's phone to tell her not to read that text. In her frantic, dying of embarrassment state it would take three attempts to finally dial correctly.

Mel: HUH?
Kiwi was obviously too late.

Phone conversation:

Mel: Please tell me that was sent to the wrong person. Please tell me it was meant for your husband.

Kiwi: It so was suppose to go to Carver, but it really was very innocent. Honestly, I was not sexting him. I just want to know who sings that song. I know out of context it looks really bad, but it really was very innocent I promise. I am so dying of embarrassment right now! I hate this new phone, who's crazy idea is it to be able to text more than one person at a time.

And that folks is why we don't text anything that can be taken out of context, we don't hold more than one texting conversation at a time, and we don't drive while texting.

Thursday, September 3, 2009

Hook Ya

Really, really embarrassing story involving me coming soon. Stay tuned. Now I am off to write the speech I am suppose to give in three hours.

Sunday, August 30, 2009

Week One

Okay so it's not Tuesday, it's Sunday and I don't know yet if I will survive but so far I am still looking down at the ground and not up at the ground so I guess I am on the right path.

The first week of school is over and my boy is ready for Christmas vacation. Vootz has told me every morning except Monday that he was too tired, or sick and he was not going to go school no matter what. He has had MAJOR temper tantrums about having to do homework, already. He also has already left one homework assignment at school. We have already started the bribes. Papa and I bribed him with a sleepover at the mountain house with Papa IF he made honor roll. Vootz tried to up that bribe to a camp out with Papa if he made perfect attendance too. I told him he'd have to talk to Papa about that one. He's going to call tonight. This is going to be a very long year.

Buzz has a cold already. He should have probably stayed home on Tuesday because he felt like he might have a fever but he insisted that he not miss any school because he has to have perfect attendance. You go son! Yes, I said he "felt" like he had a fever, I don't actually have a thermometer but after working for the doctor for so long and having four boys I have become a pretty good judge of temperature, usually I am within a degree.

Rub is loving kindergarten. Here is our conversation when I picked him up on Wednesday...
Me- How was school today?
Rub- Great!
Me- Well what did you do?
Rub- Played Pirates.
Me- What did you learn?
Rub- Nuffing you need to know about. Can we go visit Mrs. Hutchins at my green school (summer school teacher)because my heart misses her.
Me- Why don't I need to know about what you learned today?
Rub- Huuu! I learned 5 years old stuff. You know, for 5 years olds. Not for mommies.
Me- Oh. Maybe we can go see Mrs. Hutchins next week would that be okay?
Rub- I suppose.

Dub has been a trooper. I have done nothing but drag that poor kid around all day every day. He has not had a chance to even enjoy a house to himself since the kids went back to school. He's been to the dentist, the banks, the stores, and has become almost a permanent fixture in the PTC room at the school. Yesterday he said to me, "because I was good at the dententst can I get a big Lightening McQueen set, like this big" *spreads his hands out* "Because I want it this much!" * spreads out his arms as far as they will go and stands on his tip toes. He has ALL of the office staff at school wrapped around his little finger, most especially the principal. He still insists he is either Indiana Jones or Batman and he will introduce himself as such.

JC is wonderful! A lesser man would have divorced me by now. I have not made a homemade meal all week, I have not packed his lunch and I have left him to deal with kids a lot! I am sure he wonders occasionally if I still live here. One night I never even made it to the bed. Bet that was the best nights sleep he's had since we've been married. The poor guy broke his tooth week before last and has to have a root canal done. He broke the other half of that same tooth this morning. He is in pain and his wife is MIA leaving the kids with him so much it might be considered cruel and unusual punishment.

Times up gotta make dinner, the first one I've made all week.
Pictures coming soon!

Thursday, August 20, 2009

I Just Might Make It

I'm still alive, kinda, sorta, not so much. If I survive the PTC back to school chaos these next few days I will update this little blog hopefully on Tuesday. Stay tuned!

Tuesday, July 28, 2009

Double Uana Jones

Dub has a black felt cowboy hat. He wears his hat ALL the time. He puts it on when he wakes up in the morning, before he even gets out of his bed. He also has a cloth belt he calls a "whoop". He carries it WHERE EVER he goes. These two items accompany him to breakfast where the first disagreement of the day begins. It goes something like this...

Me- Dub, do you want some cereal?
Dub- No. Just an otter pop.
Me- No. Do you want some toast?
Dub- No. Just some snacky snacks.
Me- No. Do you want some oatmeal?
Dub- No. I just want some nemanims.
Me- No. You may not have an otter pop. You may not have fruit snacks. You may not have M&M's. Pick something good for you.
Dub- How 'bout...hmmm. *tapping his finger against his bottom lip* I know! Whatta 'bout Cheetos!
Me- No! Go sit down and I will get you some toast.
Dub- I don't want toast. How 'bout some junk food?
Me- How 'bout not.
Dub- but...
Me- No! Toast or cereal?
Dub- How 'bout 'nolla.
Me- Fine granola. Take off your hat and sit down.
Dub- Nooooo. I'ne Innianna Jones!
Me- No. Not at the table you are not. Take off the hat. Put down the whip. Eat your breakfast.
*drops the whip*
Me- The hat too Dub.
Dub- I'ne not Dub! I'ne Innianna Jones!
Me- That's one, That's two,
Dub- All right, All right. I'll be Dub.

As soon as he climbs down from his chair he declares, "When my hat and whip are down, I am Dub. But when I grab them up like this and put my hat on, I am INNIANNA JONES! Duh duh duh duhhhh duh duh duh...."

He wears his black felt hat to play outside. It has been 115 degrees. He wears his hat to the swimming pool. He wears his hat to run errands, which starts another disagreement.

Me- Dub, why don't you leave your hat and whip in the car?
Dub- 'Cause I'ne INNIANNA JONES! Duh Duh...
Me- Okay, okay. But you must take off your hat when we are inside and carry it in your hand.
Dub- Ok.
*get to the door of the bank.*
Me- Dub take off your hat please.
Dub- No thank you.
Me- *in a whisper* WARREN DOUGLAS MONCUR! TAKE OFF YOUR HAT NOW!
Dub- Okay. I'll be Dub again.

He tries to wear it to the bath. He tries to wear it to church. He DOES wear it to bed. He not only wears his hat and carries his whip every where we go but he sings the Indiana Jones theme music ALL THE TIME!

Today he is wearing batman pajama top complete with a cape, shorts he threw a tantrum about having to wear because he insists that they are ripped because they have slits where the tie comes out at the waist(This is why he is still wearing a pj top...I was too tired to argue over shirts after twenty minutes of discussing why his pants are just fine.), Lightening McQueen rain boots, blue and green swim goggles, his hat and his whip.

Now tomorrow his personality will change. He will HAVE to match! He will want to wear his navy blue Chaps shorts with his brown Chaps polo shirt that has the navy blue Chaps design and his brown flip flops, not his black ones, because his brown ones match his shirt, that match his pants...you get the idea. BUT along with this very preppy outfit he will be wearing his black felt cowboy hat and carrying his "whoop".

Thursday, July 9, 2009

The Name Game

When I picked Rub up from summer school one day last week...

Dub- Hey Rub did you learn the letter R today?

Mrs. Hutchins- Wow! You are smart. You must be Jake's brother. You know when we talked about he letter R today, Jake said you had two R's in your name. Is your name Robert?

Dub- No. I'ne not Robert, I'ne Dub! I got two R's too. W-A-R-R-E-N!

Mrs. Hutchins to me- Yes, we've had some confusion about that today.

She told me this conversation...

Mrs. Hutchins- Jake how many brothers and sisters do you have?

Rub- 3

Mrs. Hutchins- What are their names?

Rub- Robert, Buzz, and Double U's.

Mrs Hutchins- Double U's?

Rub- Yep.

Mrs. Hutchins- Is that short for something?

Rub- No, just Double U's.

Mrs.Hutchins- You just walk up to him and say "Hey Double U's"?

Rub- Yes *getting impatient*

Mrs. Hutchins- Really? Just Double U's, you don't call him anything else?

Rub- Yeah, we call him Dub.

Mrs. Hutchins- *probably thinking we are lunatics* What else do you call him?

Rub- Dubby

Mrs. Hutchins- So you call him Double U's, Dubby or Dub?

Rub- Uh-huh.

Mrs. Hutchins- Is that his real name?

Rub- YESSSS!

Mrs. Hutchins- Is there any other name you call him?

Rub- Well, when he's in trouble mom calls him, WARREN DOUGLAS MONCUR!

Mrs. Hutchins- Oh, so Double U's is his Nick name.

Rub- Sure, can I go play now?


Me- Yeah, sorry. It does get pretty confusing sometimes for people who don't know. Oh, and just to avoid any more confusion, Buzz is not a real name either, it's Michael.

Mrs. Hutchins- Oh, that's good to know you psycho crazy lady.

Me- Yeah, okay see you tomorrow. Bye.

Ugh.

When Buzz was in summer school before kindergarten he switched back and forth between Buzz and Michael on all his school work, which confused the teacher for the first week. Then when kindergarten started in the fall she sat down with him and made him choose which one he was going to use and that is the only name he was allowed to put on his work. He chose Michael, but still came home with quite a few papers with Buzz written across the top.

I always said I would only use the boys nick names on the blog, but it is getting confusing for some so I will give you a name key. This one time only, pay attention, write it down. Are you ready?

Vootz = Robert (9) Sometimes Avootzky, Rovoot, Avootz...but mostly just Robert. Came about because when Buzz was little he could not say Robert and it sounded like Avoot. Use to be Bummper Dude, shortened to be Bumper but that name was retired with the death of my FIL who gave it to him (That story is too long for today). His name was Buppa Dude which came from Robert trying to say Bumper Dude back to my FIL.

Buzz = Michael (7)Sometimes Buzzy, or Buzzer. Given to him by his dad because when he was born he had NO hair and then when he finally got hair it was pure white and wispy thin. Looked like he had a buzz cut. Also has been called Bulimic Buzz because he has horrible reflux and when he was a baby he projectile vomited anything that went down, with in ten minutes it was across the room. After getting medicine for that he went back to just being Buzz.

Rub = Jacob (5)Sometimes Rubby, Jaker the Breaker or Boo. Rub because Buzz could not say Jacob, he said Pupub which worked it's way to Rubbub to Rub. Jaker the Breaker because he is a little destroyer. Boo is my name for him, shortened from Snugly Bugly Boo because he is the snugliest little kid you will ever find. (Yes, I realize he will hate me for his when he is a teenager.) I am sorry Boo, but I hope you are just as snugly sweet when you are all grown up.

Dub = Warren (4) sometimes, Double U, Double U's, Dubbers, Dubby or WD. Jc started calling him WD and it got shortened to various forms of the name from there.

Got it? Good. Don't tell anyone. And if anyone asks, you didn't hear it from me.

Wednesday, July 8, 2009

Flip That Switch

Dub- Oh No! Mom look at my paaannnts. *worried*

Me- That's ok dub they're suppose to be like that.

Dub- Nooooo. I don't like them like that. They are broken, they are suppose to be like this. *pulls them together at the slit.*

Me- Nope, sorry they are suppose to have a little slit in them.

Dub- Mom. You are wrong. All Wrong! And these stupid shorts are broken. I don't want them anymore. Throw them away. *angry*

Me- Dub, don't say stupid that is not nice. I am not wrong and you are not throwing away your shorts. Go play.

Dub- Okay. Can I have an Otter Pop? I only had two and I need to have five. *sweet*

Me- Sure, but just one more.

Dub- YES!! *Excited*

I am slightly concerned about this childs ability to flip flop. I bet he turns out to be a politician.

Spider Woman, Spider Woman, Does Whatever A Spider Can...

Yesterday went like this...

5 AM get up make breakfast and lunch for JC

Send JC off to work

Go Back to bed to think of ways to avoid the "TO DO LIST"

Have a Dr. Pepper (fully loaded)while checking FB.

Clean Kitchen after the boys made their own breakfast.

Destroy kitchen making apricot jam, apple butter, bread and cookies.

Send Dub to his room for "junk food" tantrum

Sneak a few bites of Breyers Mint Chip

Clean kitchen

Break up a fight between Buzz and Vootz

Sneak more ice cream

Destroy kitchen making lunch

Send Dub to room for "junk food" tantrum.

Clean up kitchen

Break up fight between Rub and Buzz

More ice cream

Tackle the 4 foot tall weed jungle in the back yard, we needed to find the dog.

Get pelted with gravel while using weed eater.

Get flicked with dog poo while using the weed eater

Have gnats fly up my nose

Find a patch of goat heads with my finger tips

Find a patch of goat heads with entire hand

Find Toad with hand

QUIT! Never to return to back yard again until toads hibernate.

Send Buzz to room for tantrum.

Take off irrigation boots to find very hurting, purplish-black toe. Radioactive Spider perhaps?

Shower off dog poo, mud, blood and weeds from hair and body.

Bandage fingers

Blow gnats from nose

Wonder when the red super hero costume appears? Need to watch that movie again to find out when I get my powers and if they can make dinner appear and the house clean.

More ice cream

Clean bathrooms

Send Dub to room for "junk food" tantrum.

Debate between more ice cream or more soda...Take an extra heart pill and drink three cans of soda.

Decide I really wanted the ice cream and eat some of that too.

Tackle Mt. Laundry

Break up fight between Rub and Vootz

Vacuum

Pop Popcorn for the boys

Send boys to rooms for popcorn fight

Get teased from JC because I packed him a fork instead of a spoon with his breakfast

Think of ways to torture him that don't leave any evidence...beat him with a phone book? Where are my super powers?

Eat 1/2 a watermelon

Destroy kitchen making dinner

Burn knuckles on the oven rack and "cuss without cussing" ( Freakin', friggin', heck, Cheese and Rice, Git darnit....)

Send Dub to room for "junk food" tantrum

Thinking the spider was not radioactive because I am hurting too much to be a super hero and my house is messier now than when I woke up this morning.

Vacuum up popcorn

Clean kitchen

Send Dub to room for "junk food" tantrum. Really, I don't know where he gets it. *innocent grin*

Bathe kids

Clean bathroom

Get tired of the fighting and tantrums and put kids to bed

Finish off the last of the Breyers Mint Chip ice cream

Go to bed

Remember I need to take boys pee.

Find a wet one, strip off his jammies, take him pee, strip sheets and blankets. Re-jammie and make up bed on floor because he has no more clean bedding because I never quite finished Mt. Laundry from last nights wet bed.

Find wet child #2. Strip off jammies, take him pee, rejammie, go to move a toy and boy gets back into wet bed. Get boy out of wet bed, strip off jammies again, strip off wet sheets, re-jammie, put on clean sheets. Put boy back to bed.

Look at Mt. Laundry, cry.

Go back to bed

Toss and turn

Listen to JC snore

Think about smothering him with a pillow, settle for "accidently" bumping my elbow into his ribs.

Toss and turn

Get mad

Wish I had more ice cream

Toss and Turn

Throw the alarm (cell phone) at the wall

"What the freakin' heck! Already!"

Find cell phone and pray it still works.

Start all over again!

Tuesday, June 23, 2009

This Little Piggie...

Saturday night at our house is fingernail and toenail cutting night. It requires a lot of patients, strength and determination on my part. an extra large diet Pepsi Rub and Buzz DO NOT enjoy these nights and when they see the fingernail clippers come out they immediately start whining, "Not the piggie ones!" and then they decide they need to go poop, or blow their nose, or eat Brussels sprouts...

Last Saturday when it was Rubs turn I set him up on my lap and started trimming his fingernails. This part went smoothly so I was thinking maybe he has outgrown his disdain for having his toenails trimmed. Just as that thought crossed my mind he says, "Not the piggie ones today mom."

Me-"How come Rub?"

Rub-"They are absent. They are sick and unable to come to your party tonight."

Me-"Hmmm. Is that right? Well maybe I better look at them to make sure they are ok."

Rub-"Okay mom. But can I hold those cutters for ya?"

Me-"No."

Rub-"Then I think I should just take my piggies to bed, they are tired."

Me-"Sure Rub right after I trim your toenails."

And then began the weeping and wailing and gnashing of teeth.

Monday, June 15, 2009

Wanna Make A Bet?

I bet you cannot read this post and not laugh out loud. I do not have time to be original tonight so here is an email from my mom. Enjoy...


BANNED FROM WAL-MART...



This is why women should not take men shopping against their will.



After I retired, my wife insisted that I accompany her on her trips to
Wal-Mart. Unfortunately, like most men, I found shopping boring and
preferred to get in and get out. Equally unfortunately, my wife is like
most women - she loved to browse. Yesterday my dear wife received the following letter from the local

Wal-Mart:



Dear Mrs. Gilbert,
Over the past six months, your husband has been causing quite a commotion
in our store. We cannot tolerate this behavior and have been forced to
ban both of you from the store. Our complaints against Mr. Gilbert are
listed below and are documented by our video surveillance cameras.

1. June 15: Took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in people's
carts when they weren't looking.

2. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute
intervals.

3. July 7: Made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the
women's restroom.

4 July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official voice,
'Code 3 in Housewares... Get on it right away.'

5.. August 4:
Went to the Service Desk and tried to put a bag of M&M's on layaway.

6. August 14: Moved a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.

7.. August 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told other
shoppers he'd invite them in if they would bring pillows and blankets
from the bedding department.

8. August 23: When a clerk asked if they could help him he began crying
and screamed, 'W why can't you people just leave me alone?'

9. September 4: Looked right into the security camera and used it as a
mirror while he picked his nose.

10. September 10: While handling guns in the hunting department, he asked
the clerk where the antidepressants were.

11. October 3: Darted around the store suspiciously while loudly humming
the ' Mission Impossible' theme.

12. October 6: In the auto department, he practiced his 'Madonna look'
by using different sizes of funnels.

13. October 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed through
yelled, 'PICK ME! PICK ME!'

14. October 21: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he
assumed a fetal position and screamed, 'OH NO! IT'S THOSE VOICES AGAIN!'
And last, but not least...

15. October 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited awhile,
then yelled very loudly, 'Hey! There's no toilet paper in here!'

Sincerely,

Wal-Mart


Haha! You snorted admit it!

Friday, June 12, 2009

Eggs Over Easy

Here are a few things I miss about the rural mountain community I grew up in...

-Snow in the winter
-Wild flowers in the spring
-Mild summers
-Leaves changing in the fall
-Sleeping with the windows open, listening to frogs and crickets sing their late night lullabies.
-Never having to "lock up". Our doors were always unlocked.
-Seeing all the stars
-Knowing not only all my neighbors, but everyone in the entire community (pop. 135)
-The smell of wood burning in the fireplace (1. it is allowed up there and ban on most days down here. 2. It actually gets cold enough up there to need a fire and it rarely gets that cold down here.)
-Looking out my window to a beautiful mountain view vs. looking out my window and into my neighbors window.
-Privacy without a privacy fence.

Things I will NEVER miss about the mountains...

-Long curvy roads to the nearest big city. (read: Getting car sick)
-Mosquitoes
-And snakes! See exhibit A and B. This harmless little California King Snake is using the door frame of my childhood home to lounge on while he eats the birds eggs that were in the nest on the porch light. The same front porch light my parents use to flash when I lingered too long outside with a boyfriend, but that is another post entirely. My dad and little brother arrived to the house for the weekend in time to witness this event.






Dad relocated him to the wood pile to quote, "make sure there weren't any rattlesnakes in there... And don't tell Kiwi (yes that would be me) or the boys!" Those were the words he spoke to his lovely wife. I don't know which part of that should concern me most. The fact that he mentioned rattlesnakes in the wood pile, or the part where he says, "Don't tell Kiwi".

He knows I am paranoid about snakes and I am always telling the boys to "WATCH for SNAKES!" every time we go up there. Buzz is a coward timid like me when it comes to snakes so he has opted out of several trips to the mountain house with Papa. I think Papa knows that if Buzz found out there was a snake on the front door there would be NO getting Buzz back to the mountains at all! Smart Papa.

Papa has said since I was a little girl that there were no snakes in the front yard. I learned when I was a little girl that Papa sometimes LIES! I learned this the first time while walking barefoot in the grass in the front yard. A racer snake slithered right across my foot. Of course I screamed like the little sissy I am, yelled for my dad, shivered, gagged and ran inside to the safety of my room handled myself gracefully amidst the gut busting laughs of my father. Now that snake was only about 5" long and smaller around than a piece of licorice, but it was still a snake and it WAS in the FRONT YARD albeit on the very, very edge of the front yard/field...okay it was slightly more in the field and I should have had shoes on, but it was close enough.! I cannot imagine what would have happened if I had come home to Mr. King Snake. *shivers, gags* Now for the second time I have proof that there are snakes in the FRONT YARD, and now the wood pile too for that matter.


*Just so you are not thinking my dad was totally irresponsible, he ALWAYS made sure we were aware of snakes, more specifically RATTLESNAKES, and that they could be anywhere (even the unlikely front yard). He always told us to wear proper shoes outside the front yard and watch where we were stepping in and out of the yard. We had a front yard full of dogs, and people and no where for snakes to hide, so the chances of a snake in the grass in the front yard were about as good as the chances of a snake in the Walmart parking lot. As for the King Snake, the house is not a hub bub of activity 24/7 like it was then. It is just a weekend home now, no dogs, no kids, just a quiet little nest serving up eggs over easy for breakfast.

Monday, June 8, 2009

In Some Places They're A Delicacy

I think I just assured that my kids will need serious therapy when they grow up instead of the minor therapy we first thought over here. I was outside gabbing trading eggs for cold cereal with my bff and the kids kept opening the door...

Dub- We watched Mater and the Ghost Light.

Me- Close the door Dub

Buzz- Can we have ice cream now?

Me- In a minute. Close the door.

Dub- Ky can't watch it because she will be too 'carey.

Me- Go inside Dub.

Rub- *Peaking out.*

Me- Close the door. The flies are going to get in and fly up your nose when you are sleeping and eat your brains.

*Door Slams*

Twenty dollars says I have at to deal with at least one bad dream about flies tonight.

Speaking of dreams, my kids tend to have very vivid dreams. I know this because they also talk in their sleep. Last night went like this...

1:00 am
Vootz- Mom! There's someone under there!

Me- Hmmm! What are you...

Vootz- I knew it! It's Cobra! GO JOE! Fightin' for Freedom where ever there's trouble...*mumble mumble snore*

Me- Mental note, No more GI JOE before bed.

2:23am
Buzz- No! Get General Grievous first!

Me- Second mental note, No more StarWars before bed.

3:06am
Dub- Robberrrt! I said not that one!

Me- Third mental note, Take a Unisom before bed so you can sleep thru all their silly chatter!

Saturday, June 6, 2009

How To Eat Fried Worms...

My oh my! So much has gone on that I have not posted about, I don't know where to begin. Lets see...

I registered Rub for Kindergarten in April. In our school there is morning kindergarten 8-11:45 and afternoon kindergarten 11:20-3. Morning kindergarten is first come first serve and is in high demand. The demand is so high that idiots people camp out in line to get their kid in a morning class. I am not saying I am one of "those" kind of people and I am not saying that I am not. Let's just say that if someone wanted their child to have morning kindergarten say four years ago that someone would have had to stand in line at 4:30am. Even if that person was pregnant and had a broken foot. That person also would have missed the morning classes by two people if they had not opened up a third morning class at the last minute. Now lets say that a person wanted morning kindergarten two years ago. That person would have had to stand in line at 11:30pm in rainy, windy, 36 degree temperatures with out enough blankets to keep warm and dry and would have gone home with a severe sore throat and ear ache but with a morning slot secured. Now if a person wanted morning kindergarten for the 2009-2010 school year, that idiot person would have to stand in line at 7pm the night before the 8am registration to be sure to secure a morning slot. Now I am not saying that I did this kind of crazy thing, but I will say, the early bird gets the worm suckas!

And the worm I did get. I happened to walk through the cafeteria doors at 8am sharp to be greeted by our wonderful principal who I think the world of and could never ever tell NO for anything she ever asked of me. I mean anything. Think of the worst thing a principal could ask of a mother of four boys. Think hard. Got it? Could you tell your kids principal No if she asked you? I couldn't. I couldn't do it if my life depended on it. I especially could not do it while sleep deprived. Not that I was up all night, standing in line or anything. So I got the worm and I got to eat it too. I am now very nervous, very confused, very shy, too shy to be room mom but obviously not too shy to be PTC president. You read that correctly. I am the PTC president. She asked. My head said, "Noooo!" and my mouth said, "Sure. Why not?" I have a wonderful board. My VP is a great friend and is incredible in every aspect. I have total faith in her. She, bless her, is in charge of fundraisers. My secretary is my best friend I have known my entire life. Literally. Her dad and my dad were best friends growing up and still today, so we were best friends too. I love her like a sister and she is going to be great at this. I just met my treasurer, she is an accountant so her job in the PTC should be pretty second nature. It should be an interesting year. I do get a chaser for that worm however. Next year when it comes time to register Dub for kindergarten, I get first choice with out having to stand in line not that I would do that kind of crazy thing. because I will be busy doing my PTC duty and bringing fresh donuts and coffee to all the morons people who will be standing in line to register their kids. Then I will kindly take advantage of their sleep deprivation by having them sign their names on a PTC committee list sign in sheet. Muahahaha!

Thursday, May 21, 2009

We Have A House Guest And He Doesn't Know When To Leave!

Hello. Long time no blog. This is still my blog. I still plan on updating it soon, but not until Mr. Influenza decides to visit some other family. So until then please don't forget about me over here at "Don't Pee on my Floor!" Which I am considering changing to "Don't Blow Chunks on my Floor!" I will be back, hopefully sooner rather than later.

Friday, May 8, 2009

"Was That A Hooker?...Oh, Nope Just A Seventh Grader."

While we are on the clothing topic, what the heck is up with fashion today. More specifically tween/teen fashion? I lived thru the 80's, trust me you do NOT want to repeat that fashion disaster and yet every where I look I see these kids dressed like they just stepped out of *insert really bad eighties movie title here*. The tucked and rolled jeans...ACK! But there are even far worse offenses than repeating the 80's nightmare. Here are a few things I have noticed as I watch the kids from the grade school and junior high play in our neighborhood. I won't even start on the high school kids...yet.

Let us start with the boys. You'll find two extremes in boys fashion. You find on one end of the extreme pants so baggy the boys walk with their legs three feet apart to keep them from falling down around their knees and on the other end of the extreme are the "skinny jeans" that look like they were borrowed from their 9 year old sister. Too tight to even pull all the way up over their bums. Either way we are going to see way more than we ought to. I don't need to see your boxers! Thank you for in fact wearing them and hopefully making sure that they were clean, but still the same I'd rather not know what style of undergarment you wear. Besides that it can't be all that fun constantly having to tug on your britches to keep them from tripping you as they fall down around your knees. I don't know who told you that wearing the tops of your britches under your bum made you look sexy, but who ever it was LIED!

Now girls. Haaaaah! Where should we start? Unless you are actually old enough to use the stripper pole at Deja Vu you shouldn't dress like a stripper! There is nothing at all wrong with wearing shorts that actually have a measurable inseam. I don't see how you can wear your shorts so short and not show your underwear, if in fact you are wearing any underwear at all. If not, I am certain there are laws about exposing what you are exposing in public! Second, Tube tops are just plain tacky on anyone. Third, if you can't get them zipped ALL the way up they are too small! The stuffed sausage look really isn't all that attractive. I know, I know, "I really am a size 4...on the inside". Yeah, aren't we all! Unfortunately it's the size 10 you that has to fit in those jeans sista! Fourth, I don't know who's idea it was to advertise on your bum but it was a bad one. Why would anyone want the word "JUICY" written across their bum? What exactly are you trying to say? Fifth, Hooray for you! You bought your first pair of thong underwear. I know you are so proud of yourself, but I'd like to not have to explain to my boys about "fancy" underwear just yet so could you please keep them tucked into your jeans. Sixth, Again undergarments serve a certain purpose and that purpose is not for show and tell so please if you wear colored/patterned underwear and bras make sure you can't see them thru your outer clothing. I know you love your new zebra striped chones but love them privately ok? Also could you leave hooker make up and the body glitter for the hookers.

I could go on and on about the fashion of our misguided youth but I only have so many hours in my day and I still have a pile of laundry to do so I don't end up committing a fashion blunder myself. I think I could probably squeeze into Vootz' jeans or belt on a pair of JC's jeans but I'd rather not look like an idiot.

Sunday, April 19, 2009

Important Topic Ahead...

I have been searching for the perfect pair of jeans almost all my life. Way back in my college days, I had a pair of Levis that I LOVED! They fit me perfect. The length was just right, not too long and not too short. I could wear them with flats and not have them drag or I could wear them with a little heel and not have them be too short. The rise was perfect too. No "mom jean my bum looks twice as long as it really is because the pockets of my pants go half way up my back." and no "so low I can't wear those without getting a bikini wax first". I could also say no muffin top, but back then I didn't have a muffin top to worry about, that's just how it is when you live on oatmeal and ramen noodles, ahh the college life. They weren't so tight that I had to lay down and use pliers to zip them not that I know how to do that or anything, like I've ever worn my pants that tight...really They were broke in just right and they fit me the same at the end of the day as they did when I put them on in the morning. I have never been able to find a pair of jeans that were quite as good as those Levis, and trust me I have tried.

When you go shopping for jeans you have so many styles to choose from. You have to consider the rise, the leg width, the color, the material, are they for super casual wear or dressy casual wear, do you want to spend extra money for someone to have already half destroyed them for you....the list goes on and on.

What frustrates me to no end is this. I can try on a pair of jeans in the dressing room and do the check list...
1. Bum looks good?...check
2. Long enough?...check (at 5'11" this one is not the easiest to find)
3. Not too tight?...check
4. Not too loose?...check
5. Can sit, bend, squat comfortably?...check
6. Don't need to win the lotto to be able to afford them?...check
and then when I get them home and wash them they are either...

1. Too tight
2. Too short
3. Too tight just in the waist band
4. Have SBS, otherwise known as SAGGING BUTT SYNDROME (generally caused by the use of 1% Spandex). This SBS at first is exciting, you pull the jeans straight from the dryer, give a little shake and send up a prayer that they didn't shrink. You step in one leg at a time, holding your breath. You pull them up and start to rejoice thinking you've invented a new miracle weight loss diet consisting of Diet Pepsi and Chocolate donuts because not only did those jeans just slide right up over your hips, they are buttoning with ease and feel a tad looser than they did at the store. This euphoria is short lived though because after about an hour you start to notice you are constantly tugging your jeans back up where they are suppose to be, you notice it looks like you have a load of anything but nice rear end in your pants, after about three hours you find yourself interrupting your errands to hunt down a belt at the nearest Target and after that we all know your errands aren't going to get finished because, well you're at Target! When you get home and take off your belt, with out even unbuttoning them your pants fall down around your ankles on your way to your room. You kick them into the corner of "clothes I should never wear again, but will eventually because at some point before I decide to wash the mountain of laundry in the other corner of the room I will need something to wear."

If I buy the pants a little loose hoping they will shrink, they won't. If I buy them fitting perfect hoping they won't shrink, they will or worse, they will get SBS. If I buy them a little snug thinking they will get SBS, they won't. Anyway I strike it, they all end up in the same stack of wasted money on my closet floor.

Friday, April 10, 2009

Buzz

Buzz's neck before his surgery


He'll despise me for this one day, but oh well...This is Buzz feeding himself chocolate pudding while coming out of anesthesia. He is usually a VERY clean eater and has always been a clean eater. JC use to make fun of him mimic him, poking every little crumb into his mouth with the tip of his finger.



Young Jedi Buzz. This picture pretty much sums Buzz up. It's ALL about STAR WARS!...


and VIDEO GAMES.

Dubby

Dub and his fluvie (security blanket)


Dub and Papa at this family event.


Dino Dub


Cross eyed for sugar. Hmm...wonder where he gets that?


Helping the Dentist buy his new Land Rover

Vootz

Vootz in his new glasses


Vootz in his sunglasses


Vootz as a GI JOE for Halloween 2008


Vootz working on his first cavity.

Tuesday, April 7, 2009

Sidetracked by Pink, Curls and Lipgloss!

My sister is here!!! I don't have time to write decent post because I have a niece who needs her toenails painted glittery pink, so here are the pictures I finally had developed and put on CD. Today we will focus on Rub. Enjoy.

Rub, the wall climbing Superhero.


Rub, the Lollipop tester.


Cowboy Rub.


Fireman Rub.

Monday, March 30, 2009

Dear Rub

Dear Rub,

Please quit being so difficult when it comes to learning how to read and write. Please quit trying to make your dad and I think you might flunk out of kindergarten. I know you are capable of way more than you let on. You have proven that by saying things like, "Mom, I need a drink of your diet Coke because all this running around has me parched." Come on "parched" really? What kind of five year old says parched? What kind of five year old who is leading his parents to believe he is not ready to go to school says "parched"? Also when you say, "Dub deliberately hit Buzz with the block." or when you say, "I absolutely do not want tomatoes (with the ah sound not the long A sound) on my cheeseburger." I especially find it funny that when you think I am not listening to you play in your room you can count to twenty three, but if I ask you to count you can't seem to get past twelve. I have seen your name drawn in the dust on my BBQ grill lid, I have seen it scratched on the fence, I have seen it written in mud on the side of the house, but when I ask you to write your name you look at me like I asked you to perform brain surgery. I am begging and pleading with you to please quit the games, or at least when you get to school show Miss Hughes what you are really capable of. Please don't flunk out of kindergarten just because you want to play mind games with mommy. Please. Thank you for your cooperation.

Love,
Mommy

PS. If you flunk out of kindergarten they will not let you be a fireman.

Sunday, March 29, 2009

Rub and Dub and The Fever

While waiting in the drive thru line at the bank...

Rub- Mom, why there's cameras all over da bank? Who put dem on da roof?

Me- To make sure people are safe and the builders put them up there.

Rub- No, No, No! You got it all wrong mom! It's in case da Ninjas come and teal da monies. Dats what da cameras are for.

Me- Oh, okay Rub for the Ninjas then.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------

A conversation with Dub...

Dub- Moooommm! I said for you to give me some juice!

Me- Dub, I said NO. And you watch how you talk to me. You are not the boss, you don't tell me, you ask me.

Dub- You are not the boss mom, you don't tell me that. Dad's the boss.

Mom- Dub do you want to take a nap?

Dub- No, I didn't say a nap, I said juice.

Me - Irrrrr!
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Getting ready for church...

Rub- Dad, I don't want to wear dis tie.

JC- How come Rub, you look sharp.

Rub- No I don't, I wook widicuwous.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Sitting in church...

Me- Honey isn't pink a great color?

JC- What?

Me- Pink, don't you think it is a great color, see *pointing to the most angelic little baby girl all swaddled in pink in her daddy's arms.*

JC- What are you talking about?

Me - I think we could use some pink in our house.

JC- Do you have something you are trying to tell me?

Me- Yes, I think we need to have a little girl with big blue eyes to stare up at her daddy with and chubby little cheeks and legs to squish on.

JC- Are you? *turning very white

Me- No, but wouldn't it be nice to have a little girl?

JC- I don't know how to make little girls remember?

Me- But if there was a way to be 100% sure....

JC- NO!

Me- Oh, come on just one little girl.

JC- Nope. I fell for that line 4 times already. No. Listen to the lesson

Me- I can't I am too distracted. Look how beautiful she is. Look at how sweet.

JC- *squeezing my finger* does this hurt?

Me- No why? What are you doing?

JC- Distracting you from your distraction.

Me- It's not working. I have the fever.

JC- Get over it. It's not happening...again.

I will break him. You just watch. *evil cackle*

Friday, March 27, 2009

Jeepers Creepers Where'd You Get Those Peepers...

I am sorry, it seems I never gave out the most vital piece of information regarding JC's visit to the E.R. The doctor was able to dig the metal out with a needle. His eye was numbed first of course. He prescribed some antibiotic drops and sent JC home with 20/20 vision. Slightly worse than his normal 20/15 vision that he is use to, but when the irritation subsides he should be back to normal. I don't know what is more sickening to me, the fact that they dug the metal out of his eye with a needle or that with an injured eye he still has better vision than me. After a very long night in the E.R. we arrived home shortly before 4am. I felt like a teenager sneaking in, trying not to wake up his mom. Not that I would know anything about sneaking in as a teenager or anything. Really.

Wednesday, March 25, 2009

I Like People, I Just Don't Like Stupid People!

Monday JC was grinding on some metal out at the ranch and a hot piece shot up, hit his cheek, bounced under his safety glasses and embedded itself in his eye. Only a Moncur would have that kind of luck I tell ya After many failed attempts at flushing it out we decide to call the doctor. Of course all this went down well after the doctor was closed for the day so the advice nurse tells us we need to go right away to the E.R. We weighed our options and decided his eyesight is pretty important to us so we probably should go before the metal worked its way deeper into his eye.

We call and woke up JC's mom to come sit with the boys and off we go.

We arrive at the very crowded E.R. and check in.

Here are a few things that irked the heck out of me observations...

1. More than half the people there did not really need to be there. Take some Nyquil, drink a lot of water and less beer and go to bed. You will feel better in three days. The Doctor cannot do anything for your cold so quit over crowding the E.R. just because you have a runny nose. After three days if you are still feeling crapy make an appointment with your primary doctor. Seriously, your runny nose is not an emergency!

2. Bring a translator/driver if necessary and leave the rest of the village at home. The waiting room only has so many chairs and your brother, sister, nieces, nephews, sons, daughters, mother, father, wife, neighbor, aunt, uncle and drinking buddy are taking up chairs that the really sick or injured people would probably like to be able to sit in.

3. If your child is sick enough or injured enough to be in the E.R., they are sick enough or injured enough to sit their bum down in a chair and not be running all around and hanging over the back of my chair breathing their germs in my face.

4. The E.R. is a dirty, nasty, filthy, germy place. Why would you let your kid crawl around on the floor? I just sat on the very edge of my seat all night, touching as little as possible and I still felt like I needed to bathe in bleach when I got home. *shivers*

5. Whining to the security clerk every fifteen minutes is not going to get you seen any faster. Sit down and wait your turn like everyone else.

6. While pretending you can't breathe you probably shouldn't waste all your precious air by yelling across the room at the security guy about how you "really can't breathe, and need to see the doctor now!"

7. While pretending to pass out, because you could not breathe, you should keep your eyes closed. Opening them to peak to see if anyone is paying attention to your lying, narcotic seeking little bum is just going to piss off the nurse who had to walk herself into the waiting room to check on you. And most likely she will flag you as not urgent and you will get to sit there in the waiting room for the rest of the night.

8. Do not make out in the waiting room, it is not a hotel. Some people there are already throwing up. They don't need to see that.

9. Do not go stand two feet outside the automatic doors, in front of the NO SMOKING sign and smoke your cigarette, and then get pissed because you missed your turn. Some of us would like to not have to wade through your second hand smoke to get inside. Some of us would rather not smell like a stinky ash tray.

10. If you do insist on going to the E.R. for your cold. Bring some tissue with you. Don't wipe your nose on your hand and then touch the arm rest that separates our chair, and don't spit your sputum on the floor and then smear it with your boot.

11. The floor is not the trash can, Your legs and arms worked well enough to get you to the vending machine across the room, they will also work well enough to get you to the trash can three feet away.

*Note the "bad word" in the title. (Yes, Stupid is a "bad word" in our house.) I could not think of another word that worked in its place. Nothing quite seemed to sum it up as well as "Stupid".

Physical Adrenaline

Last week I took Rub to his get his kindergarten physical. To give Rub shots, we fold his arms across his chest and then I lay across his body, pinning his arms down. His legs dangle over the edge of the bed at the knee and the nurse lays her weight against his legs and gives him his shots in the thigh. When the nurse was giving him his shots he was screaming at the top of his lungs, "Stop! Please Stop! Please! Please don't do that!"

All I could say was at least he was polite about it. Then we had to go to the lab to have his blood drawn. I told the lab tech, "He is very strong, especially when he is upset, we will probably need some help to hold him."

She looked at me like I was kidding. After all, he is just five and she said, "Oh honey I do this every day. We will be fine." She had him sit on my lap, I knew from experience I needed to cross my leg over the top of his or the smug little tech was gonna get booted in the crotch. So I wrapped my legs around his and my arms held his free arm to his chest in a big hug. The tech pulled his wrist down to the table to look for a vein and he bicep curled it back up. So she held his arm down with two hands and again he curled her like it was nothin'. So little Miss 'I do this every day' decided she should go get Darlene to help us. So now we have me holding every limb but the arm they are using and Darlene and the other tech holding his arm down and he is still over powering the three of us. In comes tech number three. It took three lab techs and me to get his blood. He wasn't thrashing about. He wasn't squirming. He was just curling up his arm. I could not help but smirk a little at Miss 'I do this every day'.

And again he was screaming, "Please! Please take it out! Please stop! You're poking me! Please stop poking me with that pokey!" Strong and polite and now very upset he starts crying, "I want my Buzz. Please I wanna see Buzzy. Can we go get Buzzy now, pleeeaaase!"

I love it when my boys seek each other for comfort.

Thursday, March 12, 2009

Spring Chicken

Just to dispel any rumors going around, yes, yesterday was my 25th birthday...again. My mother in law came by with my FAVORITE cake EVER! Angel Food cake with fresh strawberries and whip cream. It was TASTY! I did some banking, filled the gas tank in my car, thanked the heavens for smiling down on me when my Dr. cancelled my 10 O'clock appointment, because who wants to do their physical on their birthday anyway? Cleaned the house, soaked in the tub, nothing too exciting.

Things I am REALLY REALLY REALLY EXCITED about happening...

My sister, my niece and nephew are coming to visit for three days starting on Monday!

Twilight comes out on DVD sooooon!

I have a $100.00 gift card to spend shopping for myself all by myself!

My boys moving out and going to college, getting married and having kids just like them only worse!...Ope! Did I type that?

Monday, March 9, 2009

Randomness

I recently watched Fireproof, you know the movie with Kirk Cameron. The acting wasn't all that fabulous but the idea, the story, the message of the movie was fabulous. I highly recommend this movie. JC of course would not watch it with me because..."It's a sappy chick flick", and it kinda is. I cried a lot through the whole movie, but if you can trick bribe talk your husband into watching it with you I suggest that you do.

I have finally decided what my decorating style would be if I had the time, money and space to decorate my house. Check out Warm Pie, Happy Home I believe it is a vintage farm house look I like. Very warm, country kind of feeling to it. Speaking of houses, I am looking for a new one to rent. We need more space. Six of us smooshed into 1175 square feet of house is not working so well. The older two boys definitely need their own room separate from the little two destroyers angels. So if any of you happens across a 4 bedroom for rent let me know. I should shut up know because I am not as smooshed as my dear friend Karrie, over at Trailer Life is while they are building their home. Just a little longer Karrie...can you stand it?

Vootz got his new glasses today. His eyesight is worse than mine now. Pictures will be coming soon. He looks very handsome in them. Hopefully they last longer than his last pair. He was amazed to be able to see things today that he has not been able to see for a very long time, like skid marks on the street, true boy.

I am going to make an attempt to be more organized, starting in the boys room. Our storage is very limited so any ideas as to how I can tame my house is greatly appreciated.

We are preparing the back yard for a vegetable garden! I am very excited, it has been about 7 years since our last garden. I will be very busy canning this summer! I can't wait for the tomatoes and corn! MMM!

I am also looking to learn how to bake in a dutch oven over coals. I have always wanted to learn and I am finally going to do it. Now I just need to acquire the dutch oven. My first project will of course be cinnamon rolls! I will have to have some taste testers anyone interested? I wonder, is it legal to have a campfire in your back yard? Not a monstrous bonfire one just a small cooking one. Probably not. In a town where you cannot even have a fire in your fireplace I'm pretty sure one in your yard would be frowned upon. Looks like I will be taking a trip to Dad's for that one.

Well I'm off to the kitchen to bake some bread.

Umm...Yeah after I pick up my kids from school. I forgot it is a minimum day. I am surprised the school hasn't called yet. Better git gone!

Wednesday, March 4, 2009

Best News Of The Week!

Coming at you live from my very own desk, on my very own super fast computer, weighing in at...well lets not go there, but you get the idea! My computer is fixed! Thank you JC! Thank you Ed! Thank you Brina for the time Ed was fixing my computer and ignoring your honey do list! Now that my computer is back hopefully I will be around more regular now, but for the next couple of days I have a lot of downloading to do, drivers and stuff so I will not be posting anything else until I am finished with that. See ya soon!

Tuesday, February 24, 2009

R.I.P Old Friend

I have been ignoring you. I am sorry but I have been on this reading kick and can't seem to get my nose out of the books. I have finished Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands, Proper Care and Feeding of Marriage, and the complete Twilight series all in a little less than two weeks. I have nothing else to read for a while so I thought I would quit neglecting my blog and catch up a little.

We JC sold our old white sub to his brothers to be used for parts. It was a sad day. I thought I would be ok, and I was, until they fired it up and I realized I was hearing my our car roar to life for the last time. That car was the first major purchase JC and I bought together. Sadly I wrecked it shortly after, and the engine is about to blow up and it won't shift out of first gear because the transmission is shot, and there's a few nails in the tires but still it has sentimental value. I tried not to cry over a stinkin' old car that was taking up a perfectly good parking place in the drive way forcing me to park my new love on the street, but when JC handed me the check the tears just seemed to roll no matter how hard I tried to keep them in. It might have been easier if I could have looked at the check and imagined a new pair of shoes or flirty summer dress, but images of square steel tubing doesn't dull the pain of losing my baby. Vootz and Buzz seem to be taking it just as hard. When they got home from school and it was not in the drive way they were afraid someone had stolen it.

Vootz- MOM! Someone stole the Sub!

Me- No, we sold it to Unlce Boom and Uncle Ed.

Vootz- WHY! Why couldn't dad just fix it up.

Buzz- How did they take it? Is it working?

Me- Yes, it works, they drove it away and no, dad can't fix it up.

Buzz- Well if it starts why is it broken?

Me- It's a long story Buzz

Vootz- Well dad has a lot of tools, he could just fix it.

Me- Tools aren't parts Vootz. The sub needed a lot of expensive parts.

Vootz- Well dad has a lot of parts at the ranch. He could just take the parts off the old cars and out of the junk yard and fix it.

Me- It doesn't work like that.

Vootz- I don't care how it works mommmm! I liked that car!

They made quick work of stripping her apart. By yesterday afternoon they had brought back my stereo, speakers and wheels. The three items not part of the deal. Oh and one of the boys' missing Hot Wheel. I would imagine that by now they have parts scattered between the ranch, Boom's house and Ed's house. It's a sad thought.

When they drove the car away, they also drove away with my computer, so hopefully soon I will have my computer up and running and will be more on top of keeping my blog updated since I won't be having to hijack JC's or fight with the keyboard on the boys computer.

Thursday, February 19, 2009

A Little About JC

1. He's sitting in front of the TV, what is on the screen?
Sports Center

2. You're out to eat; what kind of dressing does he get on his salad?
Ranch, Blue cheese occasionally

3. What's one food he doesn't like?
MUSHROOMS

4. You go out to eat and have a drink. What does he order?
For food it depends on where we go. As for a beverage, Dr. Pepper or a flavored lemonade like raspberry or strawberry.

5. Where did he go to high school?
Shafter High

6. What size shoe does he wear?
12 wide

7. If he was to collect anything, what would it be?
Right now he has a collection of the state quarters, a collection of Sports Illustrated magazines from the late 80's - late 90's, and a collection of Michael Jordan posters.

8. What is his favorite type of sandwich?
From Heidi's he likes the Bronx Bomber, or a Reuben. From Subway he likes Roast Beef and Swiss. He also likes a good pastrami.

9. What would he eat every day if he could?
My homemade bread or any of my home cookin'.

10. What is his favorite cereal?
Right now he's likin' Granola. But he also likes Wheat Chex, Honey Bunches of Oats Frosted Mini-Wheats and Frosted Flakes.

11. What would he never wear?
A speedo, anything pink...

12. What is his favorite sports team?
College? Michigan Wolverines. Pro? Atlanta Braves, Chicago Bears

13. Who did he vote for?
Not Obama.

14. Who is his best friend?
I am, aside from me, Ryan, Matt and Jeff.

15. What is something you do that he wishes you wouldn't do?
Oh where to begin...

16. What is his heritage?
Scottish and French

17. You bake him a cake for his birthday; what kind of cake is it?
Red Velvet (from scratch, not from a box) with Cream Cheese Icing (also from scratch)

18. Did he play sports in high school?
Football and Basketball.

19. What could he spend hours doing?
Talking with friends, tinkering on cars and trucks, playing video games.

20. What is one unique talent he has?
Making me incredibly happy.

Monday, February 16, 2009

Time Flies

Okay, okay! It's been a while I know. We survived two weeks of passing around the stomach flu and just as everyone, and by everyone I mean the boys, got their energy back I came down with a horrific cold. The kind that makes you wish you had the stomach flu instead because at least that only lasts a couple of days. I was MISERABLE! It lasted a little over a week. I am finally feeling better and so far no one else has any symptoms. *crossing fingers*

For Christmas JC's brother and his wife gave me a day at the spa for my gift. I know, there is not a better gift in the whole world than a spa day! They rock! My sister in law who is expecting her first baby, my 5th niece scheduled our appointment for Valentines Day. For my Valentines present from JC, he watched the boys for the day while I escaped to heaven! I figured a day at the spa, we'd have a massage, pedicure and manicure and that would be fantastic. L's idea of a day at the spa was a European facial, an 80 minute Swedish massage, spa pedicures and manicures while eating a delicate lunch and sipping apple cider from champagne glasses and a shampoo and style! I did not want to come home. I wish I was Rich so I could go to the spa every month. I am beyond grateful to J and L for a wonderful day to relax and be pampered.

I made it through the whole day with out any phone calls from JC, because he has not memorized my cell number and his cell phone was in my purse from the night before. I also went the whole day until five minutes before we left the spa with out any phone calls from the boys! When the phone did ring it was Buzz which was no surprise because he is the only one who knows my number by heart.

Me- Hello.
Buzz- *whining* Mom you've been gone a lotsa hours. Are you coming home fast?
Me- No Buzz I am not coming home fast. I will be home in about twenty minutes.
Buzz- But that will take forever!
Me- No Buzz that will take twenty minutes. Go watch the Letter Factory and I will be home before it is over. Bye

Five minutes later.

Me- Hello.
Buzz- Mom, Rub wants to talk to you.
Rub- *mumble, mumble, whine*
Me- I have no idea what you are saying ask dad. Bye.

Two minutes later

Me- What Buzz?
Buzz- Dad doesn't know what Rub wants.
Me- Oh well. He'll figure it out eventually. Bye.

Five minutes later.

Me- I'm turning on our street now. Quit calling me!

By the time I actually got to finish writing this and post it Vootz came down with the cold. Granted it has taken me several days to accomplish this little post because I have been very busy with catching up on doctor appointments now that we finally have insurance. More to come on that later.

Wednesday, January 28, 2009

Vomittus Eruptus Round 3

Ugh! I so thought we were done with the puking. Buzz started yesterday AM around 3. Rub woke up with a tummy ache at four, so far no puking for him. Dub had not puked yet but looked awfully green and was being much brattier (is that a word?) than normal. I was feeling TIRED but not so tired I could not whip up a batch of orange almond Swiss butter cream frosting to put on my hips the chocolate cake I baked the night before. MMM! I indulged in half the cake a piece of cake after the kids went to bed...You heard me I did not share my cake with them. I don't think I could handle seeing my labor of love spewed across the carpet. Besides, chocolate stains.

This morning at five, as I was ironing JC's uniform, which turned out not to be JC's uniform but some guy named Eduardo's because the uniform company the county uses is the worst ever, I hear Dub whining and hyperventilating. Ugh! He's spewed in his bed. So I clean him up and settle him down in my room. It's gonna be a grand day, I can just feel it!

I made Buzz stay home from school again despite his begging to go. Yes, he is my strange child. He actually loves to go to school. He had not thrown up since yesterday afternoon but he also had not had anything to eat or drink except a half glass of 7-Up and a few sips of Gatorade. So just to make certain I would not have to go pick him up from school an hour after he got there I just made him stay home. He is doing fine and will return to school tomorrow. Just in time for Rub to start barfing I am sure. In the spirit of Mardi Gras and my sarcastic nature, Laissez les bons temps rouler!

Oh, and I hope you enjoy your freshly ironed uniform Eduardo, where ever you are with your scrawny size 30/28 short little self. I had to send JC to work in wrinkled pants, which is really a pet peeve of mine, but I did not have time to iron another pair because I was dealing with a sick boy. Dang uniform company!

Sunday, January 25, 2009

Give It Up For The Man!

Okay, I have to give props to JC.

He came home last night from the ranch later than normal, and before even looking at me or saying hello, he asked what was for dinner. No, that is not why he gets props, that is what almost got his props kicked, but then he looked at me and I guess realized I was feeling less than well and was at my limit. He said, "I'm going up town for a minute, I will be back shortly."

I'm thinking great take your time, have a blast you inconsiderate man. I have the flu, (yes, my boys love to share) I have two boys with the flu and two boys who are healthy but wound up, I have been here with them alone, all day, you come home for two minutes and then leave???!!! Okay great. I hope you get this flu Buddy! Then we will see how you like it. MMM HMM! Just you wait! Not that I blame him, anyone in their right mind would have run 100 miles in the opposite direction. Twenty minutes later, he shows up with 3 bottles of 7-Up. He even found what was on sale, used the Albertson's card and a coupon! Be still my beating heart. A considerate, and cost efficient husband.

You know he does this to me all the time. Makes me angry at him for no reason. If he would have just said, "hey I'm going to go buy you some 7-Up" I would have never been planning to spit in his cup so upset. But noooo, he has to be all mysteriously sweet. I think he likes me to get angry with him and make him into the horrible husband, then feel like I am two inches tall when he turns into the perfect man. It couldn't be because after I feel so bad that I was plotting his demise that I instantly melt into his arms and would do anything to please him. Do you think he he has caught on to that? Do you think he would be awful enough to use that power against me? I'm gonna have to watch this martian very closely, he could be a smart one.

You know I paint JC as the stereotypical clueless man from MARS a lot on my blog. He really isn't though. He is generally very thoughtful, considerate and is a really great husband and father. Oh, and he has exceptional taste in clothing and women after all he chose me and the stylish half of my wardrobe Sure there are times when his Martian side comes through more than I'd like, but if it didn't I wouldn't have anything good to write about. I love you JC and I appreciate all that you do for me and the boys. Despite what I was thinking last night, I REALLY hope you don't get the flu. I can't handle taking care of anymore sick babies. Ope! I mean I would hate to for you to be so miserable.