Sunday, August 31, 2008

One Line or Two? Pink or Blue?

I have been slightly overstressed lately. This morning I thought I would eliminate a part of that stress by a simple act I like to call doin' the dip stick. Yep, I peed in a cup and dipped in a little stick, waited three VERY long minutes and then breathed a HUGE sigh of relief. Well, the logical side of me breathed a sigh of relief of course the emotional side of me got a little sad. Not that I don't want any more children or that I do want more children, now is just not the time. JC is still looking for a job another HUGE stress factor!!, our house is WAY too small for the six of us already and all we have for transportation is an 85 Chevy diesel truck that only seats three. You don't have to have my mad mathematical skills to know that a family of six can't fit in a truck built for three not legally anyway which I guess a family of seven could still not fit in a truck built for three just as easily so hey what's one more? JC could move his office into our room to free up some space...ahhh shut up emotional! Logical wins this time! So on the pregnancy topic here is a cute little Q&A for ya...

Q: Should I have a baby after 35?
A: No, 35 children is enough.

Q: I'm two months pregnant now. When will my baby move?
A: With any luck, right after he finishes college.

Q: What is the most reliable method to determine a baby's sex?
A: Childbirth.

Q: My wife is five months pregnant and so moody that sometimes she's borderline irrational.
A: So what's your question?

Q: My childbirth instructor says it's not pain I'll feel during labor, but pressure. Is she right?
A: Yes, in the same way that a tornado might be called an air current.

Q: When is the best time to get an epidural ?
A: Right after you find out you're pregnant.

Q: Is there any reason I have to be in the delivery room while my wife is in labor?
A: Not unless the word 'alimony' means anything to you.

Q: Is there anything I should avoid while recovering from childbirth?
A: Yes, pregnancy.

Q: Do I have to have a baby shower?
A: Not if you change the baby's diaper very quickly.

Q: Our baby was born last week. When will my wife begin to feel and act normal again?
A: When the kids are in college.

Friday, August 29, 2008

Partaay Like A Rock Star!!! (or not so much)

I had planned to post about the first two weeks of school tonight, but I got started listening to music on YouTube. Now I am too busy rockin' out to write coherently so here enjoy some music. I love this song. Yes, I realize he is talking about underage drinking, pot smoking, general hell raising and pre-marital sex and it's everything I am telling my kids is wrong which is why I listen on my headphones but when it comes on I just can't not sing along and have a real hard time sitting still! This is my typical Friday night party, YouTube, me and my headphones. Some junk food and a diet Pepsi. Rockin' Out with my bad self. Amidst "the look" from JC. Sometimes the party gets so out of control that he actually has to say something like what the heck are ya doin' you physcho! This is how this is how I married with kids, thirty somethings PARTAAAYY! So I am starting a music Friday here so all you other Rock Starz out there have something to Partaaay too. On Friday I will post all about good music or bad music, music that makes me laugh, dance, cry or just want to scratch my eyes out! Now crank up your speakers....(disclaimer: The Farmer's Wife is in no way liable for any disturbing the peace charges you may face for "cranking up you speakers" at 2am. Neither is she liable for any hospital bills that may result from serious bodily injury from waking sleeping spouses, falling down stairs while doing air guitar, or spousal enforced trips to the phych ward. "Crank up your speakers" at your own risk!)

Sunday, August 17, 2008

School Starts in 10, 9, 8....

WOOOHOOO! School starts in 10 hours!!!!!!
Only two @ home for 6 hours!!! I don't know what I am going to do with that.

Actually I do. I am going to sing and dance and giggle! I am going to go swimming with out getting sprayed with a squirt gun, or getting splashed by a newly invented dive (i.e. a new way to belly flop), and with out having to have the "NOT WITH OUT YOUR ARM FLOATIES" argument with Buzz. I am going to enjoy just having to entertain two. I am going to enjoy having the loudest two gone, the two who constantly stir the pot and cause tantrum after tantrum...gone! I am going to revel in this first week of no homework.

Then next week when the homework starts I will be wondering is it all worth it. The six hours a day, is it worth the nightly homework tantrums, the fights over why Vootz can't do his book report on The Hulk comic book. The constant bombardment of school fliers about fundraisers, school pictures, book fairs, book orders (i.e. BYE BYE $$$)PTC meetings, staff appreciation lunches, science projects, field trip chaperoning, classroom parties. Is it worth having to actually be out of bed and functioning before 8 am every morning?

It just very well may be worth it!

Monday, August 4, 2008

Slippery When Wet! Wet When Slipping!

I was turning off the boy's computer one night as they were getting ready to go to bed when I heard this very loud thump, followed by screaming and a bunch of boys running into the office all talking a mile a minute. I am only catching bits and pieces of what each of them is trying to tell me as I am trying to climb over them and out of the office to investigate the thump. I finally get that Dub has taken a header off the kitchen counter. I shove the boys aside and run into the kitchen to find Dub sitting on the floor with his head in his hands crying. I survey the damage...
-blood? No blood
-obvious broken bones? No
-pupils equal? Check
-pupils reactive? Check
-ginormous goose egg? Present and accounted for.
Vootz, being the hero again gives him an ice pack, his "fluvy and bebe" (security blanket and teddy bear)and I give him some Tylenol, because judging from the size of that goose egg, he is going to have one heck of a head ache! Then I snuggle him in the recliner and he finally calms down enough that I can talk to him. Do some more testing...
-What's your name? W
-How old are you? 2
-Who's this? Bebe
-How many finger is this? 3
-What happened to you? I bonked it my head.
-How did you do that? I fall off it the counter.
-Why were you on the counter? I wuv firsty and getting a drink.
-You have been told to stay off the counter. Did you learn your lesson? No I bonked it.
-How's your tummy feel, is it going to throw up? No, I bonked it my head not my tummy.
Okay. Put Thomas the Tank Engine on for Dub, put the other boys in bed, assure them Dub will be fine. Call my dad (he's a fireman) to assure myself Dub will be fine. He list off all the check points I already did and tells me to give him Tylenol and put Thomas the Tank Engine on for him for an hour or so and make sure he doesn't throw up, then go through the check points again before putting him to bed. Make sure to wake him up after a couple of hours to check on him and then let him go back to sleep and he should be fine. Thank dad for the re-assurance that I am not being a bad mom by not taking my kid to the urgent care. (When I worked in the urgent care I hated it when "those" kind of moms rushed their kids into the urgent care for every little thing. Yet, sometimes I find myself having a hard time not being one of "those" kind of moms.)

Now that the adrenaline has ceased. I notice my shirt is soaking wet. What the heck! I look over at Dub and he is naked on the bottom half, wet clothes sitting beside him ON MY BED!
Me-"Dub did you pee on me?"
Dub(never taking his eyes off Thomas)-"No, I fall off the counter and scare it pee out of me.
Me-"When you fell off the counter, it scared the pee out of you?"
Me-"Would you please take your pee pee clothes off my bed and put them in the laundry? No, I can't, I got a bonk it."
I change my shirt and call Vootz in for a calmer version of the first story he was trying to tell me. It turns out Dub was squatting on the counter, facing the cupboard. While attempting to pour himself a glass of water from the just re-filled Brita pitcher the water in the top caused the lid to come off spilling it all over the tile counter top (CAUTION: Slippery When Wet!) and thus slipped off the counter backwards, landing back of the head first. Evidently peeing on the way down (CAUTION: Wet When Slipping!). Which got all over me while I was rocking him in the chair.

Note to any Brita executives that might happen by my blog. I love your pitchers but you need to make a locking lid for those suckers!

Finally, Infested!

I promised you over here that I would give you a blog about our infestation. I have been putting it off and putting it off. Well after tonight's incident I am putting it off no more. So with out further procrastination here ya go...

At the beginning of summer we had a red ant problem. They were all over my front yard, entry way, side walks and flower beds. Then they started coming under my front door, through my outlets and through the exhaust outlet for my stove. After using a whole can of RAID and not deterring them I finally decided to call the pest man. He came out and sprayed inside and out and told me if the ants came back with in two months they would come back for free. Cool. His first visit was on a Tuesday, Thursday the ants were in one of my kitchen cupboards. So I called the pest man back and he came on Friday morning to spray again. Saturday morning I woke up and the ants were in a different cupboard. Well it is Saturday and the pest man doesn't work weekends so I empty that cupboard wash the ants off all of my cups and bust out a new can of RAID. I spray the cupboard and let it sit over night. Get up Sunday morning to wash out said cupboard and the ants are now in my silverware drawer. WHAT THE HECK MAN! So I do this ant chasing cycle. They make their way through every cupboard and drawer I have EXCEPT the cupboards with food in them, go figure and THANK GOODNESS! Then they were gone. Last week I noticed that they were in the lawn and flower beds again. I make a mental note to call the pest man. I of course forget.

Tonight while I was saying goodbye to my dad, step mom and little brother I hear a blood curdling scream. I looked over to see Vootz trying to push Rub off the entry way, they were both screaming. At first I figured they were fighting until I noticed Vootz was swatting at Rubs legs then his, then back at Rubs. What the heck! So I investigate the screams and funky movements because I am a good mom like that sometimes. Both of their legs and feet are crawling with ants. I don't mean one or two I mean hundreds of ants! My entire front step looks like it is literally alive and this in just a matter of minutes, because they were not there when we walked out.

It turns out Rub had stopped on the front porch on his way back into the house to wait for me. Vootz noticed the ants on his way up to the front door just as they started biting Rub. Rub did not know what to do, he just stood there dancing in the pile and screaming! Being the incredible big brother that he is, Vootz stepped into the swarm to help his brother out on to clear ground and sweep away the ants and in the process got covered himself.

I brush the ants off Rub while Vootz brushes them off himself. My Step mom hollers from the car as they are driving away to make sure I have some children's Benedryl and in a frazzled state I say yes, when what I really mean is no I don't, yes please go get me some fast! Alright she says see ya later and off they go. It dawns on me that I did not communicate effectively and quick run in and call my mother in law, who is at my sister in laws house then on her way to mine. Tell her to steal what ever children's Benedryl Brina has and hurry up.
Give Vootz adult Benedryl, he has very bad reactions to ants and can't wait and needs a big dose anyway. Calm Rub down and give him the last 1/2 tsp. of Benedryl Brina had and pray that he doesn't react the way Vootz does because if he does that 1/2tsp. is not going to do it.

They are both doing fine.

As if Vootz was not heroic enough the first time. While I was helping Rub, Dub stepped out on the porch and Vootz jumped right over and scooped him to safety risking more bites to himself. What a good big brother. It's moments like these that make me so proud of them. By the way the ants, they left as quickly as they came. I swear. They were not on the doorstep when we walked my family out, then with in five minutes they were swarming, and by the time my mother in law got there fifteen minutes later they were all gone but may be a half dozen or so. Freaky little things. I will be calling the pest man out tomorrow and we will be having a firm little talk on using some HEAVY DUTY pesticide, not this mild non toxic, environmentally friendly, might as well be water stuff he used the last two times. I don't care if I have to pack up and leave for a day or two. I want those suckers DEAD!

And yes, I know if my kids are so allergic I should never let myself run out of children's Benedryl or adult Benedryl. Pfizer people are you listening? I need a lifetime supply of Benedryl over here.

Sunday, August 3, 2008

What? What Was That You Said?

Okay, I found this on another blog, but it was cool so I wanted to share it with you. These are new mosquito ring tones. Made to not be able to be heard by adults.(i.e. teachers) No silly, I don't think that is cool. What is cool is that I can hear at 24 and younger 18khz. Rock on with my 24 year old self! Because we all know I am not a day over 24 right? I had my boys listen to the others because seriously I did not think there was ANY sound at all. I was wrong. The little heathens can actually hear those tones. Poor old JC did not fair well with this hearing test. We won't go into details because we don't want to embarrass him with his old man hearing. Lets just say he should have listened to his young wife and turned down battlefield2, the TV, the Radio, his family and wore protective ear thingies when he was working. But you know the wise more mature, cradle robbing men always know so much more about everything than their young innocent, naive, beautiful wives possibly could. Click over to this link and take the test. Let me know how you did in the comments.