Tuesday, January 26, 2010


Dub calling from the bath tub- Mommm! I need a dry towel.

Me- Dub there's a towel on the towel rack.

Dub- No, I used that one when I got out to get my Batmobile. It's all wet now and it will make my willie cold and then it will pee on its own.

That is when I nearly choked to death on my chocolate donut celery stick.

Rub- When I am old enough to get married like 29 or 20 or something, I won't live with you anymore mom.
Me- That's right Rub, you'll live with your wife.
Rub- Yeah, because when I marry Haley and she starts having babies that will be too much moms and dads and too much babies. I think she won't like that. She's going to have girl babies.
Me- Umm. Who's Haley Rub?
Rub-*grin* You know my wife Haley in the purple row. When I am 17 I am going to kiss her all over her face. Oh, and mom.
Me- What Rub.
Rub- I won't be able to be your Boo anymore, or sniff your face anymore. That will make her very mad.
Me- Rub could you please not, umm...you don't need to be thinking about all this right now. You are still kinda young to be talking about kissing girls and getting married.
Rub- I know mom, but you gotta plan for these kind of stuff...um mom.
Me- What Rub?
Rub- Does it make your feelings sad that I can't be your Boo?
Me- Yes, Rub it does. I am not ready for you to be someone elses Boo just yet. Do you think you could still be just my Boo until you finish a couple years of College?
Rub- We'll see mom, maybe I will just be your Boo until...Hey can we go to Checkers if I still be your Boo?
Me- You bet.
Rub- Okay can I get a Rootbeerd too if I don't kiss Haley's face?
Me- Deal.

He's got my number...and probably Haley's too.

Friday, January 22, 2010

Do You Have An Extra Staight Jacket?

JC plays online video games. The boys think their dad is pretty much the coolest person in the world. They want to be just like him and spend all their waking moments by his side. They want "fur" like his, muscles like his, to fix fire trucks like him, to drive tractors like him and to have a cool, beautiful young wife like his, okay maybe I made up that last part. Anyway Rub was watching JC fly a jet in one of his games the other night, and the jet that was flying in front of his crashed into a mountain. Here is the conversation that took place...

JC- Ooo Crash! Did you see that Rub?
Rub- Yeah. He sacwaficed himsewf!
JC- Why did he do that Rub?
Rub- Maybe he dumb.
JC-*uncontrollable laughter for the next twenty minutes, and again every time he repeats the conversation*

Rub and Dub were playing a Thomas interactive DVD game yesterday...
Dub- Go slow!
Rub- No! Fast! I want to see what happens.
Dub- Maybe you'll freak out!
I honestly don't know where they get it. The vocabulary I mean, I know where they get the "I want to see what happens" bug, and the "excitement over what might happen if you do something wreckless, like drive too fast down a curvy mountain road with your carsick little sister" bug that is all my brothers fault. When Vootz was little he use to hand things to us with a screw driver and say "how it works?" He wanted to, still wants to, take things apart and see the insides and how they worked. What makes it do what it does. My brother was the SAME way, except he'd use a hammer, then it no longer worked.

All my boys at least once a day say, "let's see what happens if.." Scientific geniuses already! That I am sure can be attributed to me, the genius part that is. We all know that I am not only a beautiful, perfect wife but also a brilliant person. I just have to go undercover in this frumpy, never got my BS degree not the same as a degree in BS which I framed and display proudly above my desk. housewife garb to hide from NASA and the photogs for People magazines 100 most beautiful people edition because I want my kids to have a normal life.

Vootz also had the "tow it up" bug. Anything and everything he could tie up was tied up to something. He would hand JC's dad a rope and say "tow it up Buppa" and they would go off and find something to tie that rope to. They "towed it up" the wagon to the bike, the dump truck to the car, the car to the Vootz. Everything got tied to something and Vootz would have a huge smile on his face and say, "Look! We towed it up" That I am sure I can blame on Buppa, if for no other reason than he obliged every time he was asked to "tow it up".

Hold the presses! Dub just gave me the funny quote of the day...
"I wish losing were winning! Then I would win all the time!"
That's my boy, always thinking.

Rain Rain go away...
I need some sunshine in my life today.
Rain Rain go away...
I am going CRAZY, white coats are going to take me away.
Rain Rain it's been 6 days of rain rain rain!
I have puking punks, I am in a funk, I need to get away.
Rain Rain go away.

On the sidewalk I want to lay
Sunshine warm me with your bright yellow ray
Swimsuit clad, cool soda in hand, on the radio my favorite band
Rain Rain go away.

Breaking News!!
I have officially gone nuts. Admitting you have a problem is the first step in recovery right? Do they have a twelve step program for moms of puking, scientific geniuses who have not seen sunshine in days? Last year at this time I was sitting in my swim suit at the pool, sun shining on my face, soaking up some vitamin D. Today I am sitting in my office, pretending there are not four kids destroying my house, pretending that I don't really need to have a diet Pepsi, or chocolate donuts, or cinnamon bears, or pizza, or McDonald's french fries dipped in hot mustard. Pretending really hard on that last one, we are still boycotting McDonalds.

I need help. Over and Out.

Wednesday, January 13, 2010

Department of Much Viciousness

I went to the DMV Monday. Those words really are all I need to say to describe my day and my mood on Monday. But since you are obviously bored to tears enough to come check out my long neglected blog I will elaborate a little more.

I thought if I went early, the lines might not be so bad. Here is where you are all saying, "If you would make an appointment, the lines are not so bad." I know, I know, but it was a last minute "oh JC is home, he can babysit" kind of decision. So I jumped in the car and headed to the DMV. My first indicator that I should just turn around and go home came when I turned onto "F" street and there was a traffic jam. The second indicator should have come when I realized the traffic jam was due to people waiting for parking places to open up...in the DMV parking lot. I finally made it into the lot, and like the heavens opened up and smiled down on me, a spot opened right in front of me. So what if it was the wrong way on a one way row, it was the end spot, I looked up the row and no one was coming. I could so make it! And I did and I was even parked straight after a few tries!

I grabbed my paperwork and headed to the front door, being careful not to get run down by a few really grumpy drivers. Geesh people! Don't you know road rage is the leading cause of parking lot homicide. Did you wake up on the wrong side of the bed? Forget your coffee on the roof of your car? Does your pantie line show? Gotta run in your hose? Hair went flat. (Sorry I couldn't help myself.) The heavens are smiling, you should be too! Ouch, no wonder he is grumpy, he is missing his other four fingers! Well at least he waved, maybe he just looks grumpy. Wow! That's must be some angry rock music she's singing with! I am glad I can't read lips, because I am pretty sure some of the words she is saying would burn my eyes.

I opened the front door and a rush of warm air hit my face, carrying with it a nauseating combination of perfumes, colognes, body odor and flatulence. I waded through the mosh pit of people and made my way to window #2 to receive my number. The lady informs me the monitors are broken so be sure to listen for your number carefully. She hands me B150 as the voice on the speaker says, "Now serving B030" Fabulous, only 120 people ahead of me.

All the chairs were taken. People were stacked 7 and 8 deep, shoulder to shoulder, standing room only. I am sure the room was at least 3x the maximum fire capacity. The room was starting spin a little. I could feel the perspiration beading up on my chest. I wiggled my way through the mosh pit toward the front door. I don't do well in crowded areas, especially hot, smelly ones. I am very claustrophobic and very demo phobic. I burst through the door and out into the fresh air. I filled my lungs with fresh, clean air...ok we know that is a lie. I filled my lungs with good ol' B-town smog. It was a relief to be outside. Then a little ol' man and a small boy walked up to me. The man started jabbering to me. At first I thought I must be having a really serious panic attack, I couldn't understand a single thing he was saying. I knew he was talking to me, but it was not making any sense. Then the boy said, "My grandpa says the speakers out here are broken. You will miss your turn." Oh, ok, fewsh! I did not totally lose it, he was speaking Spanish.

I stood in front of the door. My heart raced, my forehead was damp. I said a quick "forgive me for crowding in the parking lot I am very sorry, it was not a nice thing to do and please get me through this" prayer and stepped through the door. Just as I walked through the door, a man left the chair right beside the door. I quickly planted myself in it. Then I thought, Is this a test? Am I suppose to give this chair up to someone who was here before me? Are you trying to see if I was REALLY sorry for crowding, because when you ask for forgiveness you are not suppose to repeat the action right? Or is this an answer to my "get me through this" prayer? How about if we meet in the middle. If a little ol' lady comes in I will give up my chair, ok? Or a momma with a baby, or someone on crutches, or a ready to pop momma.

After more than two hours, a moderate panic attack, and $800.00 later I left the DMV. But not before I made a comment to the clerk about spending my $800 on fixing the outdoor speakers and the monitors. I also might have mentioned that you cannot hardly tell whether the speaker is calling letter B,C, or G. And how I thought it was horse hockey that the people, specifically the two little old ladies, who could not understand or hear their numbers being called had to get new numbers and start all over again. And that when the monitor is broken they should call the number at least twice. Also that they were certainly beyond maximum capacity and that is a fire hazard. Thank you Margret, I am sure you passed on all my helpful suggestions to your boss, or not.

There were not even any key marks on my car, or profanities written in the dust or any kind of gross body fluids on my windows or door handles. I am sure that is because mankind has elevated itself above all that pettiness and has learned to forgive and love thy parking place stealing neighbor and had nothing at all to do with the po-po parked next to me enjoying his breakfast.