Friday, December 2, 2011

The Measure of a Man

The boys are very excited to be "growing up" and turning into young men. It is happening much faster than I would like. They are continually examining themselves for more hair, more muscle, more manliness. Vootz in particular is pretty impressed with his height of five feet-two inches. He takes great pleasure in being taller than his aunt who stands four feet-eleven inches four feet-eleven AND one half inches. The other day I heard Buzz exclaim, "Dude! You're almost a man! Look! You're almost as tall as the laundry!" I am not sure what is more depressing, that Vootz is five feet-two inches tall or that my laundry is taller.

Sunday, October 9, 2011

Ch Ch Ch Changes

This has been one of the longest weeks of my life! I have had a BIG secret to keep all week long. Every time someone would ask me how I am doing I would have to dance around my answer. Tears would well up, I would want to say I was okay, but was that really the truth? I was humbled, nervous, overwhelmed...but was I okay? I was moved to tears at the drop of a hat. I was dying while quietly listening to others speculations, when I knew the truth.

After several years of functioning beyond capacity our ward at church, along with another ward split to form a third ward. This happened two weeks ago. Last week just before conference started I got a phone call asking if JC and I would come in after conference to meet with the Bishopric. I had been teaching the six year olds and JC had been teaching the thirteen year olds. I knew that one or both of us would be receiving new callings. First they talked to JC. As soon as they asked him how his class was going I knew the reason we were there was not for JC, but for me. Then Brother Keller extended me my new calling and I was so overwhelmingly humbled that all I could do was cry. Eventually I was able to choke out an answer to him and he followed with good, don't tell anyone until after you are sustained next Sunday. YIKES! That is a BIG secret! I am a great secret keeper when it comes to other peoples lives, but my life I have to be able to talk about, get advice, reassurance. Have people understand that when I randomly start crying that I am not insane, just overwhelmed, and not in a billion things to do, don't know where to start kinda way. In a this is so humbling, are you sure you got the right sister Moncur, this is a lot of responsibility and I am not that responsible, what were they thinking kinda way. But I did it. I survived an entire week, I was sustained and set apart today and about two seconds ago given my first Sacrament Meeting speaking assignment not just as the second counselor in the Relief Society, but EVER. Now I have a talk to prepare so I need to quit rambling and get busy.

Friday, September 30, 2011

Heinz, You Know "Ketchup"

Okay, guess what? I have news people! Big, big news! Guess. Three chances. Ready. Set. Go.

No, I am not pregnant! Seriously, why is that always your first thought? Two more guesses.
No, I did not have the will power to stay out of the maple bars this morning, in fact I may have bribed a kid or two out of theirs, but you can't prove it so it didn't really happen. One more guess.
No, Mt. Laundry didn't avalanche down on me...yet.

Are you ready? I remembered my password to get on my blog! Yay me! I didn't forget my password! Confused? It wasn't that I forgot my password that I haven't blogged in so long, it was that I haven't blogged in so long that I didn't know if I would remember my password. But I did, so now I will blog!

First, Dub turned 6! The house was transformed into "The Bat cave" thanks to my sister in law, Aunt Nae. He had a great day preparing his birthday party while I was taking my Life Insurance exam. I can't believe he is already 6! After his party he took down all of his decorations and hung them in his room. For two weeks I could not open the door more than a foot because of the tangled web of streamers. Their room is finally back to normal. I still can't open the door more than a foot because like I said, their room is back to normal, which means there is a mountain of Lego's, action figures, blankets and pillows all over the floor.

School started and everyone is very happy with their teachers. So far everyone is doing great. Vootz and the rest of his sixth grade class spent a week at Camp KEEP and I survived! Buzz had a hard time. He cried every night at bed time and when Vootz came home Buzz wouldn't leave his side.

Vootz got his braces off!!! He is doing a LOT of smiling lately and I LOVE it! He still has one more phase to go but not for a while.

I am working again, hence the reason for the lack of blogging. Or at least that's my story and I am sticking to it. I am LOVING my job and I have a GREAT BOSS! I have been taking a lot of classes and tests, so I have turned into a stressed out, grouchy, basket case been a little tired. If you ever have an insurance need let me know. Even if you don't have a need and just want a really great quote, I can help with that too!

Now for the REALLY BIG news!! JC's last day at the fire department was today! He starts his new job on Monday!! He will be in training for two weeks and then life as we know it changes. We are both going to be very busy!

That's the scoop. Speaking of scoops, I need to tell you about my newest craving! I won't tonight, because I am on the verge of delirious exhaustion, but tomorrow I will tell you all about it!

Friday, August 12, 2011

The Happ's

Where does the time go? Buzz turned 9 the beginning of July. I made cake in a jar for his birthday/4th of July. They turned out super cute and of course I forgot to get pictures. This is the link I got the idea from. I did red and blue cake with white frosting, Americana sprinkles and Americana ribbons. We BBQ'd hot dogs and hamburgers, had macaroni salad, watermelon and root beer. Then we watched the fireworks and called it a night because JC had to work the next day.

I found a lump on the back of my neck at the base of skull that week. I figured it was probably just a swollen gland from fighting allergies or a cold, I had been pretty run down feeling and tired and thought a couple times that I was "catching" some kind of bug. The pain kept getting worse and eventually spread up the back of my skull and became pretty intense. I decided I should go get it checked out. I was diagnosed with mono and told that the reason I had so much pain and pressure in my skull was because all the lymph nodes back there were swollen up and putting pressure on optical and cranial nerves. So for the last month I have been resting A LOT. I did manage to keep up my studies and pass my insurance exam, but haven't managed to do much else.

Dub had his birthday this month. The night before his birthday I overheard him tell his brothers, "Boys, what do you have to tell me tomorrow?" Then he told his dad, "Dad, what do you need to tell me tomorrow when you get home from work?" JC said, "Dub what should you tell me tomorrow when I get home from work? If it weren't for me you wouldn't be having a birthday tomorrow." Dub's reply was, "Daad, mom did all the work." His Aunt Nae came to babysit that day so I could go do my exam. When I came home, they had totally transformed my house into Batman Party Central. He was so excited!

We are still job hunting for JC and have decided that we are going to quit being so stubborn about where we are willing to relocate and instead adopt the attitude, "I will go where you want me to go Dear Lord..." The boys are not on that same page yet. They do NOT want to leave their school under ANY circumstance. We have been very blessed that the school they attend has really wonderful staff that welcomes and encourages family involvement and we have not had any problem with the curriculum being too "dumbed down" or too "liberal". I am worried however that eventually our rather "conservative" staff we have been blessed with will not have a say in what they teach or don't teach. I am aware that moving (or at this point, thanks to our Governor, even not moving) could place us in a school that does not meet our educational standards or our moral standards and so I have been trying to research alternatives to the public education system to prepare myself for the ugly truth that not all school systems are created equal.

I have been trying to organize the chaos around here. It's amazing how much stuff one family can accumulate in six years. I sold a bunch at my mother in law's yard sale and took what I could not sell to the Goodwill. I still have plenty more to do and I am sure I will have plenty more to sell or donate. My goal is to be ready to move when and where we need to and start fresh and uncluttered in our new house, when ever and where ever that may be.

I took the boys to the Fresno Zoo this summer and was so surprised at how nice it was. It was cheap, quiet, shady and not crowded at all. The boys had a great time. I think the highlight of their day was getting to pet the sting rays. Dub was disappointed that their were no Rhinos, not because he wanted to see the Rhinos but because he wanted to see the ox pecker bird or the "tick bird" that sits on the rhinos back and eats the ticks. He told me all about them, even telling me they (the bird and rhino) have a symbiotic relationship. I told him that symbiotic was a great word and asked him if he could tell me what it meant. Of course he he looked at me like I was an idiot, huffed and rolled his eyes and then told me precisely what it meant. His brothers did not disappoint me with their knowledge either. Through out the day just dropping bits of information about animals and habitats that I had NO IDEA they knew anything about. My boys are pretty smart little cookies.

Saturday, July 9, 2011

It's Better Than Reading Insurance Codes

Just a real quick break from my studies to share with you another funny thing Dub said a while ago that has been stuck in my mind today. We were driving down the highway behind a Pepto Bismol pink Ford Mustang. Out of the blue and very nonchalantly Dub says, "Stupid pink car. It's not even fast. It's not even a Chevy." I wish I had a dollar for every time my kids have made soda come out my nose, I would be in Hawaii right now. Okay, so probably not Hawaii because I don't fly and I don't go in or on the ocean so getting to Hawaii would be a bit of a challenge. But I definitely would not be subsisting on generic freezer pops and cramming for an insurance exam.

I just had a brilliant thought. I figured out why I use to be able to retain anything I studied so easily and why I am struggling so hard now. I have been blaming it on the fact that I have a husband and four boys demanding my attention, but I think it might be the lack of appropriate study food. When I was in high school I studied on chocolate donuts, Pepsi, and Cheese Puffs and I got great grades and didn't even try that hard. In college things got a little tighter and I studied on Diet Pepsi (had to avoid the freshman 15), Top Ramen and chocolate donuts and got mostly A's with out trying at all because I was also working and enjoying freedom responsibility. Now as an adult my diet consists of freezer pops fruits, french fries vegetables, and fake ice cream lean protein and I cannot remember anything I read. It must be because I am lacking some essential nutrients...SODA, SODIUM, and CHOCOLATE DONUTS!!! It's gotta be the diet.

I have a summer cold. I sneezed so hard I popped a rib out of place. I hurt. I took medication that I don't usually take because it makes me feel crazy. I almost threw up on Dubs feet last night trying to help him put on dry underwear because I took that medication. I don't remember going back to my room but I woke up there. I had wild dreams. I slept until 10 this morning. I woke up STARVING but NAUSEATED. I won't be taking that medication again. Anything that interferes with my ability to eat has to be bad. The end.

Friday, June 17, 2011

I Am Still Alive

Wowzers! Where to begin...

I got a job! I got temporarily laid off from said job!

Vootz turned 11! Vootz earned his arrow of light in scouts and crossed the bridge from cub scouts to boy scouts! He also left tonight for his first time at scout camp!

JC turned another year older!

I finished my term as PTC president! Schoooool's Out for Sum-mer (have fun getting that song out of your head)! The best principal EVER retired and moved to Minnesota and we all cried, still cry! This picture of her is unfortunately the only one I have and is of her in the dunk tank at the school carnival in October.

I am, for the first time in 14 years, taking a class and studying for a state exam! I quit ALL soda cold turkey 3 weeks ago! I finished re-hab for my knee, just in time for it to be too dangerously hot to run in the day light! I canned 10 pints of black beans, 10 quarts of pinto beans and 5 pints of apple butter! I weed-eated my entire back yard...again! This time sans dog/dog poo, frogs, goat heads and radio active spiders. I still have this ugly itchy rash on my shin! My boys still say the cutest things and I still forget to write them down before I forget them so I will write this one down now...Dub said, "Sometimes when I eat ice cream, it shivers the inside of my body!"

This picture was taken of Dub around Thanksgiving. They had a Native American Day at school and he said, "Today was Made Up American Day!" and then my diet Pepsi came out my nose.

This is my best friend! She is my running partner and she finished our 1/2 marathon with a much better time than I did! She has two kids. Her husband works out of town, A LOT and she just graduated from Cal State! I am so proud of her! My husband is home every night, I do my class (notice that says CLASS and not CLASSES) on line and I am a total basket case! I don't know how she did it.

This is my other best friend! She was my VP in the PTC and without her nothing would have gotten done and everything would have fallen apart! She worked her ever lovin' butt off and sadly enough didn't get near the credit she deserved! You know the saying behind every good man is a good woman? Well behind every President there is a Vice President who is doing all the work that everyone else thinks the president is doing. I DID NOTHING compared to what this woman did! Thanks Melody!

Rub still spends most of his time upside down and has no mastered the no hands head stand. He also still prefers to wear as little amount of clothing as possible. I came home from the store one day and found him like this....

He and Buzz and Dub had trouble sleeping last night because they have never slept without Vootz, hopefully Vootz slept well.

Buzz is getting ready to turn 9! He mastered walking on stilts. I like to listen to him crack himself up. He gives the best back rubs!

Okay, I have avoided studying long enough. Time to hit the books.

Friday, April 1, 2011

Lesson Learned?

Once upon a time a boy named Rub wanted hot chocolate, because his much older brother had some hot chocolate. Rub wanted to be much older too and do things much older boys can do. Like make his own hot chocolate. The much older brother, who was suppose to be "watching" his much younger brothers while his mother "caught up" on her work, did not seem concerned by this at all. Being much shorter than the much taller, much older brother, Rub could not reach the counter to pour the hot water into his mug from the boiling electric tea kettle. So Rub being part spider monkey climbed up the cupboards and onto the counter. Then Rub's mom, being buried under mountains of work in the office heard Rub screaming. Before she could climb out from under all her paperwork Rub appeared in the office with a big ol' sob story. Such a big ol' sobbin' sob story his mom had no idea what he was trying to say. So already being irritated with a whole days worth of tantrums and tattling she told him to quit crying and go play.
Ten minutes later the much older, much taller, much suddenly concerned brother carries the still sobbing Rub in and sets him down in front of the much stressed out mother and proceeds to pull up the shorts leg on the sobbing child. This is what the much stressed out, cold crow eating mother saw...

Steam Burn

Then the even more stressed out, feeling like a bad, overwhelmed, frustrated mother called her daddy the fireman for advice so she would not have to sit on hold with the after hours advice nurse forever. She called him on his cell phone, his house phone, his wife's cell phone, the mountain house phone, and the other mountain house phone. She stopped short of paging him and calling him at work and decided to call the nurse. Now the stressed out, overwhelmed, crow eating, frustrated mother has a degree believe it or not. Yup, an associates degree in medical science. BUT every child she had, took part of her brain and the part that is left doesn't function unless it has a steady stream of diet Pepsi and her I.V. had to be removed when she forgot to refill her heart medicine.

So after being on hold with the advice nurse that she use to work with and imagining her laughing at her mush for brains she came to the conclusion that the burn didn't quiiiiite take up 1/2 of his palm (How they measure what % of the body has been burned)and so he didn't need to be seen. So the momma cleaned it and dressed it and drugged up her kid with pain killer. Then she asked him, "Are you gonna climb on the counter any more?" and he said, "Not until you put that electric cattle burner thing in the trash." Then the momma had to laugh even though she was exhausted.

The Boy Who Cried Wolf

Yesterday the school called, It was Miss Barbara in the office.

Miss Barbara: Rub's in the office, he says his head hurts and he wants to go home.
Me: I will be there in a minute to evaluate the situation.

Rub: Mom, my heart hurts and I might feel like I am going to throw up.
Me: Well what is it, your head, your heart or your stomach?
Rub: My stomach hurts. Really mom, it does! And I am not hungry and I don't need to poop.
Me: Rub you are just fine. You need to go back to class. Besides, if you come home you will have to stay in bed. No t.v., no video games, no toys.
Rub: It's just I am hungry but I don't want to be hot lunch, I want a cold lunch. Me: You should have told me that this morning when we looked at the menu. It's too late now. Go to class.

Today I got another call from the school.

Miss Kim: Rub's in the office again. He says he has the flu and you thought he was better but he says he's not.
Me: Ugh! Let me talk to him.
Rub: Mom, I need to come home. My stomach hurts. Really it does mom! And I am not hungry and I don't need to poop and I didn't even eat any of my boogers.
Me: Rub that's disgusting. When did your tummy start hurting?
Rub: Remember when I threw up on my Baby Mouse book? (way back in JANUARY!) It feels like that.
Me: I will be there to get Dub in a minute, then we will talk.

Me: If you come home, you go to bed for the rest of the day. No t.v., no video games and no playing outside with everyone else.
Rub: Fine, I'll go back to class.

Saturday, March 12, 2011

Have You Ever Seen My Sweet 16? Yeah, It's Like That. But Not Really.

Yesterday was my 29th birthday for the fifth time. It was AWESOME! The best birthday since my last 29th birthday. We partied hard. JC took me out and we had steak and shrimp. We had pizza, that I had to go pick up. We had my favorite angel food cake, that I had to make. We had a huge party at the club with a hundred guests and celebrities. My mother in law came to the house, that I had to clean. I got the keys to my brand new 6 bedroom dream house on 80 acres. My mother in law gave me some yummy cherry slice candies, that my boys ate all of this morning while I was working. We partied until the wee hours of the morning, dancing on the bars and painting the town red. I took a Benedryl and went to bed. We slept in this morning and I got breakfast in bed served to me by my dashing svelte husband and his rock hard abs. I rolled my butt out of bed at 6:30 to go clean a house, grabbed a diet Coke for breakfast while JC lay snoring and oblivious under the covers. Happy Birthday to me! I have no idea how we will ever be able to top this on my next 29th birthday.

Saturday, February 26, 2011

Wired Wrong and On Pepsi

I have issues. All at once now, "DUH!" I know if you are a regular on my blog you already know this about me. But for those of you who are new to my blog, Welcome and, I am not normal.

The issues I would be referring to tonight would have to do with my eating habits. I know we discuss them a lot and we already know I have issues in that area of my life but it occurred to me Tuesday night that my issues are worse than I previously admitted to.

You see, Tuesday nights I watch The Biggest Loser. I don't usually watch much t.v. but I do watch that show. It occurred to me while watching a couple weeks ago that I have NEVER watched an episode of The Biggest Loser without eating. I don't mean snacking on an apple or popcorn or eating dinner. I mean I have NEVER watched an episode without totally pigging out on junk food. Biggest Loser and cookie dough, Biggest Loser and caramel apple, sans apple, Biggest Loser and the entire pan of cupcake pebble crispy treats, Biggest Loser and the entire box of chocolate donuts....

It's like being so interested in watching the train wreck being put back on the tracks that I fail to see the train wreck occurring in my own living room. Deep, I know.

Last Tuesday, I was on a cleansing diet. I started watching TBL (I just realized The Biggest Loser initials are in the abbreviation for tablespoon in a recipe hmm, sorry random I know, or not, I guess considering my mind has one track and it's food!) Anyway, I started watching and the urge to whip up some white cake batter was so strong I had to turn off the t.v. and go to bed. I can't do it. I cannot watch ten minutes of that show with out junk food. It is impossible.

On a different but related topic, if you are ever on a diet, DO NOT, I repeat, DO NOT light a sugar cookie candle. Trust me, it is a bad idea! Bad! Very, very bad!

For your information, for all of you who doubt my ability to stick to any kind of a diet, I DID IT! I did a week long cleanse and I did not cheat. Not even once! Not even when the boys had my favorite EVER maple bars (not that maple bars are my favorite and not that they aren't, but that these maple bars from this specific place are THE BEST EVER!), not when JC (he's a cheater) and the boys had pizza for dinner, not even when the boys had milkshakes, not even when I was offered a diet Pepsi...ON CRUSHED ICE, not when Dub had a cheeseburger from Checkers...well okay, I took one bite, BUT, I just chewed it up and tasted it real good and then spit it out, so that doesn't really count, sorry for the TMI. Now, technically, hour wise, I have been on this cleanse for 7 days, 168 hours...even though day wise the diet doesn't end until tomorrow, but hour wise I did 7 days. So I had me a diet Pepsi on crushed ice...thank you Country Boy Drive In! and now I am about to have a scoop of coconut milk ice cream in a waffle cone with caramel (I have the candle to blame for that craving), then I am going to mix up some cupcake pebble crispy treats and then I am going to run to get some maple bars for breakfast....and then after I watch the episode of TBL that I turned off on Tuesday I should probably do anther week on the diet because I am sure everything I am about to partake of is going to completely undo whatever the last 168 hours did for me.

Now if you will excuse me, my ice cream is melting!

Thursday, February 24, 2011

Diet = No Brain Function

I'm on a diet per my doctor. I am not functioning well enough to blog tonight. I promise I have good suff rolling around in my head...somewhere. I will post all about it after I get some sleep and some chocolate donuts and diet pepsi brain food. Here is a video that I found earlier today. Enjoy.

Wednesday, February 9, 2011

Just Sayin' and A Lil' Linky Love

Okay, so here's the thing, I sometimes wonder if anyone reads my blog. Sometimes I think, "I should go blog" then I think, "Naa, no one reads it anyway." It gets kind of discouraging. Then out of the blue I get a comment from a "closet reader"! It absolutely makes my day! I am going to be honest, BLOGGERS LOVE COMMENTS!!!! It feeds our psychological need for something we didn't get back when because someone did....okay, it feeds our ego, it gives meaning to our otherwise meaningless lives, it makes missing an episode of The Biggest Loser and a bowl of carmel worth it. So please if you are a "closet reader", "blog stalker", "frequent flyer", "first timer", "hippie", "hobo" or "zebra" please remember you can change the whole entire mood of a bloggers day just by making a comment. So that being said, go check out a couple of my blogging friends and say hi! For my frugal friends go check out Mynde at Pennies to Pasta, for my friends who need a little JOY in your life check out Joy at JOY (Just Organize Yourself) and for a little Vintage Flare check out the Vintage Housewife. Happy Blog Stalking.

All About Boo!

This spider monkey just turned 7!
Rub came on his due date, which also happens to be my mother in laws birthday. We were getting ready for her party when I decided I didn't feel so great. By the time I had Vootz and Buzz bathed I decided I should probably go to the hospital. We dropped the boys off for cake and ice cream with Grandma and Buppa and we went in. I was already at 8cm. The nurse literally ran my blood work to the lab so I could get my epidural because I am a wimp . The epidural was placed, and Rub was born ten minutes later. The from the first contraction at home to the time he was born took less than two hours. Doc told me don't push, he's coming and I'm not ready. I didn't push, ready or not he came! He immediately peed all over Dr. C who hadn't had time to put on his disposable smock. showered Dr. C with love. Then he balled up his little fists, arched his back and screamed! When they handed him to me my first thoughts, and therefore words were, "He definitely has his dad's mouth. Look at the size of it." Hey, it's a delivering mom's prerogative to speak her mind. Especially after she deliverers a kid with a head circumference as big as Rub's. He tells me today that his head is so big because, "I gotta lotta knowledge stored in my brain!" He was 8lbs. 3oz. and, go ahead and get the lynch mob ready...I don't remember how long he was. He was and is still healthy. My heart breaks for him because he was only three weeks old when his Buppa died. Unlike Vootz and Buzz he didn't get to make any memories of Buppa. He only has the memories he barrows from the rest of us. When Rub was 3 months old I was in the hospital for a week. Rub stayed with my mom and refused to drink from a bottle for almost two days. My poor mom bought every bottle/nipple style she could find and three different formulas. I was to the point I had asked my BFF and Step mom to do double duty and nurse him because they both had boys within a month of me having Rub. Finally my BFF had one type of bottle he would take. He's slobbered like a St. Bernard from day one. He was/is my thumb sucker, even in his ultra sound picture. He only sucks one thumb though, they are NOT interchangeable. He had a rag quilt made for him that he would rub between his fingers, stick in his ear or nose while he sucked his thumb, but it was only a specific corner. As a toddler he would wake up screaming at night, "I tan't fine my cona!" He was affectionately (and just between JC and I)labeled as our "St.Bernard", "Emotional Child", "Stubborn One", "Remedial Child", "The Cave Man", "Tank", "Bulldozer"...and has since proven us wrong on the "remedial" label anyway. Pre "pre K" I could not get him to do ANYTHING remotely related to learning. He would not color, finger paint, sing, count...He wanted nothing to do with ANYTHING unless it involved firetrucks. We were worried he would flunk out of kindergarten. He has since proven us wrong. He is now affectionately our "smarter than you think" child or the "playin' you" child. His nick name came from Buzz not being able to say his real name. He called him Puppub and from there his name evolved to Rub. He is very affectionate which is how he got his second nick name of "Boo" or "Momma's Boo". It started with me calling him my snuggly buggly boo and got shortened to Boo. Nick Names, It's a Buppa thing. He is also very tactile. He's living up to his nick name, he likes to "rub" things. When he gets tired especially, he will run his fingers through my hair or rub my back. He also likes to have his tummy rubbed. When he would get tired he would lay down and pull my hand over to his tummy and rub it back and forth until he fell asleep. He is very funny, his facial expressions are the best and his smile is killer! From very early on he would cry anytime JC touched me, hugged me or kissed me, then he started pushing up between us and pushing him away. To this day they still fight over's good to be loved! I am "The Pwincess"! You can read more about Rub here, here, here, here, here, HERE, here, here, here, HERE, and here.

Thursday, February 3, 2011

When Did That Happen?

Snap back to reality. Ope there goes gravity...literally.
I realized something today that my body realized a long time ago. It tried to tell me, but being the stubborn girl I am, I didn't listen. See, there I go again. I said, "girl". I am not a "girl" anymore. I am not 16. I am not even 18. I am about to turn 29 for the 5th time. I sag in places no person should ever sag. I have no hair where I should have hair and hair where I shouldn't have hair and that hair is not the color it should be! I have to take Motrin to be able to get out of bed in the morning. My body cracks and creaks. I take pills to make my heart work, I take pills to make my digestive system work, I take pills to make my joints work, I take pills to make my mind function. I have to cross my legs to laugh, sneeze, cough and sometimes when I run. The scale refuses to read the numbers I use to be so embarrassed of when I was 16, but would be supremely happy to see today. All of this hit me like a ton of bricks today when I realized I can no longer subsist on a Dr. Pepper, a donut, a box of Hot Tamales and a stick of gum for the entire day. I CAN, but there are extreme consequences that I would never have experienced at 16...migraine, fatigue, gas, bloating, irritability, irrational thoughts, lack of focus.....It's just not pretty. It was reinforced when my kid told me he didn't want me to die. When I asked why he thought I was going to die, he told me because I am old like Granny was and she died because she was old. It was reinforced again when I was judging the science fair at my kids school and I was called "Mrs." Moncur fifty times! I know, I have been "Mrs." Moncur for almost 13 years, and it was cute and fun to sign my name that way for the few months before and after the wedding, but somehow after the wedding the whole "Mrs." part freaks me out, especially when it is coming out of the mouths of 12 year olds. After all I was just 12 myself a few years ago. Wasn't I? WHAT HAPPENED? HOW DID I GO FROM 16 TO 29 for the 5th time? Now that I have come to the conclusion that I am not 16 anymore and dealt with the emotional distress that followed with a bowl of carmel I wish someone would please tell my skin! Please tell it that I am neither 16 nor 91! It seems to be rather confused about my age. It says, "Oh, 16, have some pimples. At least one for every year old you are. Oh, would that be 16? 91? Oh well, a face full will do, to balance out the pimples lets throw in some age spots and wrinkles. We will just skip right over crows feet and laugh lines and go straight to the canyons!"
Did you know when you are not 16 anymore that "Spanx" takes on a whole new meaning? It is no longer a cute way to spell "spanks" which is so much more exciting than "Spanx" and a whole lot less painful too. When you are no longer 16, Victoria's Secret bras are just for looks and serve no other purpose. When you are no longer 16 the little lady at The Bra Shoppe measures you for your new bra that will serve a purpose, she actually picks your friends up and places them in the cups. And when she tries to sell you the matching underwear you think, "sure" until you see the tag says "support brief". Then you go home crank up the "old school" station because that is what they call your music now..."old school", paint your nails electric blue and sing into your hairbrush while you attempt to jump on your bed. Don't worry the asylum is really quite nice.

Saturday, January 15, 2011

Runner Out Of Commission...Enter At Your Own Risk

I love it when I spend four hours of my Saturday morning in urgent care and leave, knowing no more than I did when I got there, but with drugs. Can you hear the irritation in my keystrokes? My knee has really been bothering me and it is getting worse, so I went to the urgent care today. I sat in the waiting room for a grand total of three and a half hours, and in the pharmacy for fifteen minutes, I saw a doctor, a nurse and an x-ray technician all in fifteen minutes. I left with an unclear diagnoses of "It could be's", crutches, a knee brace (I cannot wear because it has a hard support that smashes right up against the part of my knee that hurts), drugs, instructions to not put weight on it for at least a week, NO RUNNING until my family doctor releases me and here is the clincher...a note for a week off of work. Is there such thing for a mother of four boys? Going to an office to work would be more R&R than staying home, but even then, are you kidding me? How in the frick am I going to stay completely off of my leg, rest it, elevate it and ice it for twenty minutes every hour for a week and still have a house left standing when I can stand? I am not in a good mood. I don't like, "I don't know what's wrong with you, it could be this, this, this or possibly this, I don't read x-rays so we will have to wait for the radiology report, but here take these drugs and if the pain doesn't go away then we will do an MRI and maybe fix the reason you are having the pain to begin with instead of just drugging you out of your mind, either way, the longer I prolong your misery the more I get paid. The more you come back to me because I hooked you on narcotics instead of fixing the problem. Or the more you come back to me so I can do one test a visit for the next six months until I finally decide to send you to someone who knows what the heck they are doing. Either way it looks good for me and not so good for you." So, normally when I am this irritated I lace up and run, what do I do now? I have no cinnamon bears or sour patch kids to bite the heads off of. Really it is therapeutic. I did bite JC's head off, chewed it up and spit it out. He's not as therapeutic as candy, he bites back, plus he doesn't taste nearly as good. I have no Oreos, no chocolate donuts, no diet Pepsi. Ya'll might want to pray that I can run again real, real soon, for my family's sake. This is not looking good. Going to take a nap now. Over and out.

Tuesday, January 11, 2011

Many View Rare Full Moon

A summary of yesterday...

Burned my hand when I grabbed the wrong end of my flat iron.

Squirted onion juice into my eye.

Almost choked on a fried potato...TWICE.

Took JC's truck to get gas and ran out of gas before I made it to the gas station.

Smashed JC's head with the trunk of my car when he brought me the gas can.

Sent JC and two boys to the ranch to fix and electrical switch but realized, as I was cooking dinner, that I forgot to send the rent check with them. Stopped in the middle of cooking to drive out to the ranch with the rent.

Microwave in the shop at the ranch almost burned down the shop. Microwave thrown away and new electrical boxes hindsight, given the days track record, playing with electricity was probably not a good idea, but everyone survived, probably because I was not helping.

Two plugged toilets by my fifth son, his name is "not me". Two unplugged toilets by yours truely.

One new thermostat...WooHoo! We have heat!

So ready for a run...

Now the run went like this...

Less than a block away I flicked a piece of crushed granite into the back of my shoe. "Ouch!" was the word I should have used, but didn't My running briefs are crawling in the worst way. About a half a mile in, I had to pee. Yes mom, I went before I left the house. For normal people this would be no problem, just hold it. I am not a normal person, I am a mom, who gave birth to 4 large melon headed babies who for nine months used my bladder as a punching bag. I start evaluate my options. I can go home and call it a night, but I really need this run. I could see if I can find an open gate and bathroom at the school coming up, but the custodians would probably have me arrested. I could drop in, unannounced at a friends house, but she is not a close friend. She is the little sister of a close friend. A friend still the same, but she is probably having family night, or worse than that getting kids ready for bed. That would be real nice, Hi K! Just dropping in unannounced. Can you take your kids out of the tub because I need to use your toilet. Or I can hold long as I can. Dang this murph! It took me long enough to evaluate my options that the only option I had left was to hold it. We had passed the point of no return, we had passed the school and we had passed K's street. About a half a mile later I have to re-evaluate the situation. I am now doing a cross between the pee pee dance and a run. I can just let it happen, I am sure I would not be the first runner who peed their pants and I know I wouldn't be the last, but ewwww and brrr. Or I can find a bush, but I have never been good at squatty potty. I find some hedges, not the best cover but I am out of time. Turn off my head lamp duck in behind them, no cars coming, drop 'em, adjust all headphone wires coming from the pocket in the back of my pants, squat...nothing. Stage fright or cold shock what ever, it wasn't happening, at least not fast enough. Then finally just as the awww factor hits so does the traffic. I am dying. I am behind the bush totally squatting down as far as I can go ducking my head, praying for invisibility beneath my glow stick adorned, reflective white shirt with my reflective orange wrist band and praying no one is paying attention to the iridescent full moon setting in the hedges. Ange tries to block as much of me as she can with her fake, "just doing a little stretch" poses but I can't help but think that she is drawing more attention our direction. We are cracking up. On the road again. Twenty yards ahead, perfect cover to hide an entire football team. Make a mental note of that spot just incase there is a "next time". About a mile later a plain white wrapper blows me off the road. Geesh buddy slow down! Unless you are investigating all the calls for indecent exposure on the next road north, then keep on going. I'm innocent, you can't prove a thing. I feel sorry for the person who would have to pick me out of that line up. Pretty sure my briefs are on backwards at this point.

Now Ange has issues. For a backwoods Indiana girl she just doesn't have enough...backwoods Indiana in her. She can't spit to save her life, she has serious mucous gag reflex issues (read: girlfriend can't hock a lugi)and she can't oakie blow. So when her nose starts to run, she HAS to blow something. She had no tissues, I had tissues, but when I was laughing and trying to pee at the same time, I am pretty sure I dropped them. I can see her mentally going over her options...shirt tail, nope too much to blow this time, sock...nope too much time lost already, glove...yep glove. She is quite funny, because she is worried about if it will gross me out too much. I laugh, Hmm...option one you blow your nose in your glove. Option two, you gag and barf on my shoes. I think I will have to go with door number one.

We managed to finish our run with out anymore trouble. Felt great to stretch, shower and go to bed...where looking back, it seems I should have never left.