Sunday, May 23, 2010

Don't Shoot!

I am going to tell a story about the night I almost, coulda, shoulda, woulda, but didn't, get shot.

So I have this BFF and she is kind of, a little bit very OCD. (Sorry, I love you to bits and pieces but you are, and I know this is not news to you, so I don't feel too bad about saying it.) Tonight we will discuss her obsession with her garage door. It is only ever open long enough for her to drive in or out of the garage. I noticed it was open at about 6-ish the other night. I thought, Oh, she must have just gotten home. Then I drove by around 8-ish as I was headed to the store to pick up carrots, yeah that's it carrots for that late night carrot craving, and it was open. So I called to say, "Hey just wanted to see what you were up to, by the way your garage is open are you headed out?" I got her voice mail. It says Hi this is "your BFF" somethin' somethin'. I am always tempted to say, No this is not my BFF, this is my BFF's voicemail, but I don't. Ope, where were we. Oh yes, I got her voicemail and left her a message. When I drove back by at 8:30-ish (I promise I am not a stalker, I have to pass her house to get out of the neighborhood) it was still open. So I called her...again (again not a stalker...much) and it went to voicemail...again. Something was clearly not right. She NEVER leaves her garage door open that long...especially not after dark and she NEVER ignores my calls...hardly ever. So I tucked in my children and headed over to check on her.

As I was leaving, I called again. Still no answer, so I left this message..."Hey, it's me and I have called you a few times and you are not answering and your garage door has been up all night so I am coming to check on you...DON'T SHOOT ME!!"

When I got to her house I went to the front door. All the lights were off inside. I knocked and no one answered. Naturally being female I begin thinking the worst. My thoughts went like this. She pulled in the garage and passed out in the car. I went in the garage and checked in the car. No BFF. ...or someone followed her home and kidnapped her from the garage *enter logic* she probably went somewhere with her parents and maybe she didn't realize the door didn't shut or something was in the way of it shutting and it came back up. Maybe she went in to tuck kids in bed and ended up falling asleep with them. I checked the garage door that leads's unlocked. Okay, she is home. She has to be. Went back to the front door and knocked again really loudly. No answer. Called again. No answer. Called her mom. No answer. Panicking now. Not sure what to do.


1. Hit the button to close the garage door and run and jump over the sensor like a ninja. Have I mentioned I am not much of a ninja? Yep, not a ninja. This is so not an option.

2. Hit the button that closes the garage door, go inside and let myself out the front door. Still doesn't solve the problem of, "Is she okay?"

3. Go inside and look for her. Pray she doesn't shoot me.

4. Go home and forget about it. Umm no, she'd kill me for sure.

Yes, I thought about ringing the door bell until she answered, but the mommy in me wouldn't do that, because it would wake up kids...and that is just NOT NICE! NOT NICE AT ALL! Yes, I realize had she shot me, that would probably wake up kids too, but I would rather take my chances.

Thought process as I pace back and forth from the front door to the garage door: Obviously I have no choice here, I have to go inside. Geeze...I'm gonna get shot. I'm gonna scare her to death and she's gonna shoot me. Okay, worst case scenario...She shoots me. I die and she wonders what the h e double hockey sticks I was doing in her house in the middle of the night. At least I won't have to do the dishes and laundry. Hmmmm...nope worser case scenario...She shoots me, I live. I have laundry and dishes x days incapacitated + what's already there = WORST CASE SCENARIO! Either way shot or not, she's probably gonna have to shampoo her carpets when this is all over.

Open door from garage to house. Calling out to her over and over again saying, It's just me, your friend who is randomly letting herself into your house in the middle of the night, please don't shoot me, just want to make sure you are ok, hello, please don't shoot, it's just me. Flip on the lights, head down the hall still calling out. Greeted by barking dogs. Ask the dogs where mommy is. Turn the corners at the same time to be standing in front of each other both freaked out! Hearts pounding, eyes wide, fists raised.

I explained to her why I was in her house in the middle of the night and I am not sure what freaked her out more, waking her up with the "someone is in my house" panic or the fact that she hadn't closed the garage. Anyway, all is well. The garage got closed I didn't have to worry all night and I didn't even get shot in the process...this time. Next time she will be ready because now she has moved the gun to a readily accessible location, and next time I will just ring the door bell and deal with momma fury that follows.

Monday, May 10, 2010

No. Owie.

For years I have complained to my doctor about how something is not right with me. I couldn't put my finger on any specific problem, but something, somewhere in me was wrong and it wasn't just in my head, I already know I am not quite right there. The doctor finally got tired of listening to me whine about it and decided, after he had run every other test in the book, to order an allergy panel. So I get an email from doc a couple days later. Low and behold I am allergic to milk. Anyone who knows me, knows milk is was just about my only food group. Unless of course you consider chocolate donuts or diet Pepsi food groups, WHICH I DO but have been unsuccessful in my attempts to convince the pyramid makers to see things my way. Also, those donuts...yep, contain milk!! Anyway doc says, "cut out ALL milk, milk products and milk byproducts for at least two weeks and then see how you feel. Be sure to read labels carefully!"

"Okay", says I! Thinking I will just have to cut out the milk, cheese and ice cream. How hard can that be? Well the no Breyers mint chip part might be a little difficult, but as long as it is a relatively low stress kinda time I should be okay. It's not a life threatening allergy. It's not as bad as a gluten or soy allergy. It's just milk. Then I look down and see the huge plate of Cajun Chicken Pasta in my lap, made with 2 cups of heavy cream. Guess I'll start tomorrow.

Day one: CRAP! What the heck can I eat??? EVERYTHING in my house contains milk! Bread, microwave popcorn, cereal, yogurt, Doritos, salad dressing, even the nasty dang hot dog contains milk!

Day two: This will get easier right? Dub's Heather brings over Hershey's thumbprint cookies. I might not starve. I eat around the "milk" chocolate kiss...after three cookies I remember cookies are made with butter! Well good ones are anyway, and these were goooood!! Okay, my two weeks will start tomorrow.

Day three: Made homemade milk free bread. Went shopping for milk alternatives. I've had the silk before. I like the chocolate one, but the plain and vanilla *shudders*. I could put chocolate Silk on my cereal, but because I have impressionable children who, I pray, eat better than their momma, I won't. Bought some vanilla Almond Breeze and chocolate Silk.

Day four: My Uncle crashes his plane and does not survive. Could REALLY use some pizza, chocolate donuts, Breyers mint chip, Doritos!! Can't have my comfort foods, so I opt for no food instead.

Getting use to this. Dropping weight. That alone could make this allergy worth it.

Head out of town for the funeral. Have to learn how to order my food. Toast dry. Eggs...scrambled?...nope they probably add milk. Over easy?...nope probably done in butter. Poached?...hopefully safe. Still not comfortable asking about how my food is prepared. Hope the bread is milk free. Bacon. Fruit. Diet Pepsi...yes, I know I could have had oj, but I was in bed at 1:00am and outta bed by 4:00am. Besides, that's the only comfort food I have left, leave me alone.

Several weeks pass...I think I have the hang of it. Feeling better than I have in years, maybe ever. Didn't know how bad I actually felt because I didn't know what feeling good was. My skin is clear. It's not dry and itchy. It's not breaking out. Haven't had any migraines. My stomach doesn't hurt (shhhh it. It was the milk, not the donuts and Doritos) You women know the pregnancy progression poster on the wall at the OB? You know the one that looks like the evolution poster? It shows a side view of what your body looks like as it progresses through the weeks of pregnancy....I use to look like the 20 weeks on a daily basis. Now I only look like...well not like 20 weeks, so that is progress right there. I have energy. I am sleeping really well at night and waking up early, ready to go...mostly. People notice the difference in me. I feel even better knowing it was not all just in my head.

Have an uh-oh kinda day. A slice of Pizza. A little Cake. Sick. Cramping tummy. Headache. Two days later, my face is a mess. I have been tired and grumpy. JC notices and asks, "what did you eat?" So was not worth it. I hope I remember this next time I am tempted. Need to take a note from my nephew (he can't have gluten). He sees "no, no" foods, even yummy ones like cake, and says, "No. Owie." Smart kid. I was wrong, this is as bad as a gluten allergy. Thankfully not life threatening like a nut or shellfish allergy though.

The heavens smile on me! I find a pretty good flavor of Doritos that don't contain milk. I replace my Breyer's with some sorbet...miss that creaminess, so I may have to try Lassen's for some dairy free ice cream. I hear they have a chocolate cherry one that is pretty good. Not missing my cheese bad enough yet to want to try vegan cheese. Found some vegan butter that's not too bad. Came up with a killer 10 grain bread recipe. Anyone know if they make vegan chocolate donuts? Just askin'.