Thursday, February 3, 2011

When Did That Happen?

Snap back to reality. Ope there goes gravity...literally.
I realized something today that my body realized a long time ago. It tried to tell me, but being the stubborn girl I am, I didn't listen. See, there I go again. I said, "girl". I am not a "girl" anymore. I am not 16. I am not even 18. I am about to turn 29 for the 5th time. I sag in places no person should ever sag. I have no hair where I should have hair and hair where I shouldn't have hair and that hair is not the color it should be! I have to take Motrin to be able to get out of bed in the morning. My body cracks and creaks. I take pills to make my heart work, I take pills to make my digestive system work, I take pills to make my joints work, I take pills to make my mind function. I have to cross my legs to laugh, sneeze, cough and sometimes when I run. The scale refuses to read the numbers I use to be so embarrassed of when I was 16, but would be supremely happy to see today. All of this hit me like a ton of bricks today when I realized I can no longer subsist on a Dr. Pepper, a donut, a box of Hot Tamales and a stick of gum for the entire day. I CAN, but there are extreme consequences that I would never have experienced at 16...migraine, fatigue, gas, bloating, irritability, irrational thoughts, lack of focus.....It's just not pretty. It was reinforced when my kid told me he didn't want me to die. When I asked why he thought I was going to die, he told me because I am old like Granny was and she died because she was old. It was reinforced again when I was judging the science fair at my kids school and I was called "Mrs." Moncur fifty times! I know, I have been "Mrs." Moncur for almost 13 years, and it was cute and fun to sign my name that way for the few months before and after the wedding, but somehow after the wedding the whole "Mrs." part freaks me out, especially when it is coming out of the mouths of 12 year olds. After all I was just 12 myself a few years ago. Wasn't I? WHAT HAPPENED? HOW DID I GO FROM 16 TO 29 for the 5th time? Now that I have come to the conclusion that I am not 16 anymore and dealt with the emotional distress that followed with a bowl of carmel I wish someone would please tell my skin! Please tell it that I am neither 16 nor 91! It seems to be rather confused about my age. It says, "Oh, 16, have some pimples. At least one for every year old you are. Oh, would that be 16? 91? Oh well, a face full will do, to balance out the pimples lets throw in some age spots and wrinkles. We will just skip right over crows feet and laugh lines and go straight to the canyons!"
Did you know when you are not 16 anymore that "Spanx" takes on a whole new meaning? It is no longer a cute way to spell "spanks" which is so much more exciting than "Spanx" and a whole lot less painful too. When you are no longer 16, Victoria's Secret bras are just for looks and serve no other purpose. When you are no longer 16 the little lady at The Bra Shoppe measures you for your new bra that will serve a purpose, she actually picks your friends up and places them in the cups. And when she tries to sell you the matching underwear you think, "sure" until you see the tag says "support brief". Then you go home crank up the "old school" station because that is what they call your music now..."old school", paint your nails electric blue and sing into your hairbrush while you attempt to jump on your bed. Don't worry the asylum is really quite nice.


Mynde said...

I've been a secret closet reader for quite a while and I find your writings very enjoyable. But today- not so much. Mostly because I just bought my first bottle of 'face primer', I've begun wishing to the oil of olay fairy, and every other young mother (like me of course) with a little baby on their hip is like 20 years old. So I hear ya- I've graduated from the 'cute young mom' to the next generation. But I think they secretly envy us- we are cooler than them. If cool is still a term that the youngin's are using.

The Farmer's Wife said...

Oh Yeah! I love it when I find out people are actually reading my blog! Welome!! Stop by anytime and please comment. It makes my day!