Tuesday, January 11, 2011

Many View Rare Full Moon

A summary of yesterday...

Burned my hand when I grabbed the wrong end of my flat iron.

Squirted onion juice into my eye.

Almost choked on a fried potato...TWICE.

Took JC's truck to get gas and ran out of gas before I made it to the gas station.

Smashed JC's head with the trunk of my car when he brought me the gas can.

Sent JC and two boys to the ranch to fix and electrical switch but realized, as I was cooking dinner, that I forgot to send the rent check with them. Stopped in the middle of cooking to drive out to the ranch with the rent.

Microwave in the shop at the ranch almost burned down the shop. Microwave thrown away and new electrical boxes installed...in hindsight, given the days track record, playing with electricity was probably not a good idea, but everyone survived, probably because I was not helping.

Two plugged toilets by my fifth son, his name is "not me". Two unplugged toilets by yours truely.

One new thermostat...WooHoo! We have heat!

So ready for a run...

Now the run went like this...

Less than a block away I flicked a piece of crushed granite into the back of my shoe. "Ouch!" was the word I should have used, but didn't My running briefs are crawling in the worst way. About a half a mile in, I had to pee. Yes mom, I went before I left the house. For normal people this would be no problem, just hold it. I am not a normal person, I am a mom, who gave birth to 4 large melon headed babies who for nine months used my bladder as a punching bag. I start evaluate my options. I can go home and call it a night, but I really need this run. I could see if I can find an open gate and bathroom at the school coming up, but the custodians would probably have me arrested. I could drop in, unannounced at a friends house, but she is not a close friend. She is the little sister of a close friend. A friend still the same, but she is probably having family night, or worse than that getting kids ready for bed. That would be real nice, Hi K! Just dropping in unannounced. Can you take your kids out of the tub because I need to use your toilet. Or I can hold it...as long as I can. Dang this murph! It took me long enough to evaluate my options that the only option I had left was to hold it. We had passed the point of no return, we had passed the school and we had passed K's street. About a half a mile later I have to re-evaluate the situation. I am now doing a cross between the pee pee dance and a run. I can just let it happen, I am sure I would not be the first runner who peed their pants and I know I wouldn't be the last, but ewwww and brrr. Or I can find a bush, but I have never been good at squatty potty. I find some hedges, not the best cover but I am out of time. Turn off my head lamp duck in behind them, no cars coming, drop 'em, adjust all headphone wires coming from the pocket in the back of my pants, squat...nothing. Stage fright or cold shock what ever, it wasn't happening, at least not fast enough. Then finally just as the awww factor hits so does the traffic. I am dying. I am behind the bush totally squatting down as far as I can go ducking my head, praying for invisibility beneath my glow stick adorned, reflective white shirt with my reflective orange wrist band and praying no one is paying attention to the iridescent full moon setting in the hedges. Ange tries to block as much of me as she can with her fake, "just doing a little stretch" poses but I can't help but think that she is drawing more attention our direction. We are cracking up. On the road again. Twenty yards ahead, perfect cover to hide an entire football team. Make a mental note of that spot just incase there is a "next time". About a mile later a plain white wrapper blows me off the road. Geesh buddy slow down! Unless you are investigating all the calls for indecent exposure on the next road north, then keep on going. I'm innocent, you can't prove a thing. I feel sorry for the person who would have to pick me out of that line up. Pretty sure my briefs are on backwards at this point.

Now Ange has issues. For a backwoods Indiana girl she just doesn't have enough...backwoods Indiana in her. She can't spit to save her life, she has serious mucous gag reflex issues (read: girlfriend can't hock a lugi)and she can't oakie blow. So when her nose starts to run, she HAS to blow it...in something. She had no tissues, I had tissues, but when I was laughing and trying to pee at the same time, I am pretty sure I dropped them. I can see her mentally going over her options...shirt tail, nope too much to blow this time, sock...nope too much time lost already, glove...yep glove. She is quite funny, because she is worried about if it will gross me out too much. I laugh, Hmm...option one you blow your nose in your glove. Option two, you gag and barf on my shoes. I think I will have to go with door number one.

We managed to finish our run with out anymore trouble. Felt great to stretch, shower and go to bed...where looking back, it seems I should have never left.

1 comment:

Karrie said...

This was hilarious on SO MANY LEVELS.


I LOL'd for reals.

I also ran today. It was ridiculously slow and only two miles, but it's better than nothing, right? Lucky me, I have numerous bushes to pee in.

Thanks for the laugh.