Wednesday, April 30, 2008

Boys, Get Your Boys, $2.00 A Boy!

My children have not been eating their regularly scheduled meals. My grocery bills have been astronomical but my kids have not been eating their breakfast, lunch or dinner! My pantry is stocked for the first day maybe two after grocery shopping but then is empty. Where is all the food I just bought??? My kids have been raiding the pantry! I have taken loaves of bread out of the freezer at night to thaw out for lunches the next day...when I go to make the sandwiches, no bread. Let me re-phrase that, there are the end pieces and all the other pieces neatly burrowed out leaving just the crust. I have purchased boxes of "snacky snacks" (fruit snacks)only to open the cupboard the next afternoon to find empty boxes! You all know about the cake mix and sprinkles. I have pulled out the can of Easy Cheese that is stashed in the back of the pantry for JC and my late night cravings for all things processed, and the tip has practically been chewed off!

Finally JC decided he would put a locking door knob on the pantry and we would hide the keys in the top shelf of the freezer door under the peas. Yeah! Thank you JC! My pantry stayed not only stocked but organized!

Since the kids no longer had access to "graze" through the pantry, that meant they no longer had a chance to eat in the living room without me knowing. I took this opportunity to completely clean the living room of all the mystery stains. I pulled the cedar chest that the TV sits on away from the wall to vacuum under it, and HOLY HECK! It looked like a dumpster under there! NASTY! This is what I found...
Six Legos
Three colored pencils
Five broken crayons and their missing wrappers
Three playing cards
One torn up VHS box
Two pieces of paper
One coloring book
Three Thomas Trains
One dirty sock
Ten (YES 10)fruit snack wrappers
One KitKat wrapper
Four Fiber One granola bar wrappers
A whole pack worth of gum wrappers (will discuss in another post, stay tuned)
Three very crunchy flour tortillas with holes eaten through the middle
And one half eaten Pop-Tart

GROSS! Now just so you understand, I pull the furniture out and vacuum under it once a month, this whole stashing crap is a new thing going down at my house! I DO NOT LIKE IT! I WAS LIVID!!!! I have caught all four children in the act! It's a laziness thing. They are thinking if they stash the trash under the cedar chest, couch, dresser etc. then they don't have to get up off their BUM and put it in the trash can 30 feet away, or if they shove the toys under the nearest piece of furniture when mom says to clean up then they won't miss any part of that Scooby Doo episode they have seen fifteen times!

Four days of the pantry being locked down: It is ten minutes after breakfast (Rub dumped his in the sink) and I see Rub trying to hide something behind his back as he passes me in the living room.
Me-"Rub, what do you have?"
Me-"Rub *insert middle and last names here* show me your hands!"
He pulls his hands out to reveal a stack of tortillas, and by a stack I mean boy had like 13 flour tortillas in his hands. They were folded in half and he had taken a bite right out of the middle. So now I had 13 flour tortillas with holes in the middle that had been slimed by Rub! (Explanation to come in future post)
Rub-*pouting that, I know I am gonna get in so much trouble so let me look sweet and dejected so she will feel bad for me, pout* "I wuv hungwee!"
Me-"Next time eat your breakfast and you won't be hungry."

Arrr!!! Note to self JC, get lock for fridge!

Same afternoon...I see sticky hand prints on the front of the freezer door. I know for a fact they were not there at lunch time because I wiped down the fridge/freezer when I did the lunch dishes. HMMMM! Where might that sticky be coming from? Step closer to further investigate and my sock sticks to the floor. Sticky, white drips of thick, creamy substance on my floor. Open the freezer and spy the open, half eaten ice cream carton and many more drips!

ARRRRRRRRRRRRR!!!!!! Call Vootz, Rub and Dub by their first middle and last names and Buzzy by his nick, first, middle and last name! (That is when Buzz knows mommy REALLY means business, when she uses all FOUR names!)"Who has been in the ice cream?"
*crickets chirping*
"WHO has been in the ice cream?"
*shoulders shrugging*

Next morning 6:30 am: I see Dub walking around with Cheetos, Rub has Nillas, Vootz has fruit snacks and Buzz wants me to open a bag of marshmallows.
Me-"Where did you get those? Was the cupboard unlocked?" (Thinking...did I lock up last night after I got JC's snack?)
Vootz-"We found the key! It was in the freezer!" *said with a proud tone of accomplishment*
Me-"Uh-uh NO! Give me those Cheetos, Nillas, snacks and marshmallows NOWWWW!!!! You stay out of the kitchen PERIOD! Next one of you that passes this counter is gonna be grounded for a week!" When you get a job and start paying for the food in this house then you can come in the kitchen. Until then, stay out."
Buzz-"What... are we suppose to die of thirst?"
Me-"10,9,8,7,6.....JC I'm going shopping I will be back when I no longer feel like selling your boys to the gypsies!"


Syndy said...

I am also the food police at my house. C is the worst it must be a boy thing. If I don't put everything up on Friday night before bed then Sat morning (when Chris and I are sleeping in) he will eat everything within site. I love how at the end you said "Your boys"!

Anonymous said...

Oh Snap! I have seen my future! My boys have not yet mustered the nerve to raid anything. They still ask if they can get a drink of water from the bathroom sink. Can you imagine what they will all be like as teenagers? Perhaps we should trade kids at that point as children always behave better for strangers. It is worth a try and might prevent us from having to take out a loan from the bank just to cover groceries.


Phillips Family said...

My boys come home from school and just want to eat all afternoon, and when I tell them no they get mad and tell me there starving. They don't know what starving is.

Carianne said...

You are so hilarious. I hope you publish your blogs one day so that your kids will be able to read about their childhood. I love how you write. So honest and no sugar coating. U do make me a little nervous for when my boys get a little older. My girls never got into the cupboards and always ask for things. Isaac since he could crawl was getting into them. He even wakes up at night, turns on all the ights and plops his little booty on the floor in front of the kitchen to snack. I have learned to feed him right before he goes to sleep. Sometimes it looks like a mouse got into my food. He will take those little applesauce cups and chew through the foil to sip it out. So thank you for your bogs. I enjoy them.

JR Hart said...

Shooooooot. I'm 29 and when I go over to my parents house, I still raid and pillage their fridge, freezer, cupboard, and pantry. Unfortunately, in their lates 50s and early 60s, they have acquired an exquisite taste for anything green and uberhealthy. Which leaves with very little to raid. Occasionally they lose a frozen pizza or some peanuts but... stock your cupboard with apples and carrots and see what happens. LOL!

Taylor Family said...

haha! I actually did find and buy locks for my fridge and freezer after the milk got spilt one too many times, and I'm talking about a whole gallon of kids have also recently started grazing and I have been considering locking my pantry too.