Boys, Get Your Boys, $2.00 A Boy!

My children have not been eating their regularly scheduled meals. My grocery bills have been astronomical but my kids have not been eating their breakfast, lunch or dinner! My pantry is stocked for the first day maybe two after grocery shopping but then is empty. Where is all the food I just bought??? My kids have been raiding the pantry! I have taken loaves of bread out of the freezer at night to thaw out for lunches the next day...when I go to make the sandwiches, no bread. Let me re-phrase that, there are the end pieces and all the other pieces neatly burrowed out leaving just the crust. I have purchased boxes of "snacky snacks" (fruit snacks)only to open the cupboard the next afternoon to find empty boxes! You all know about the cake mix and sprinkles. I have pulled out the can of Easy Cheese that is stashed in the back of the pantry for JC and my late night cravings for all things processed, and the tip has practically been chewed off!

Finally JC decided he would put a locking door knob on the pantry and we would hide the keys in the top shelf of the freezer door under the peas. Yeah! Thank you JC! My pantry stayed not only stocked but organized!

Since the kids no longer had access to "graze" through the pantry, that meant they no longer had a chance to eat in the living room without me knowing. I took this opportunity to completely clean the living room of all the mystery stains. I pulled the cedar chest that the TV sits on away from the wall to vacuum under it, and HOLY HECK! It looked like a dumpster under there! NASTY! This is what I found...
Six Legos
Three colored pencils
Five broken crayons and their missing wrappers
Three playing cards
One torn up VHS box
Two pieces of paper
One coloring book
Three Thomas Trains
One dirty sock
Ten (YES 10)fruit snack wrappers
One KitKat wrapper
Four Fiber One granola bar wrappers
A whole pack worth of gum wrappers (will discuss in another post, stay tuned)
Three very crunchy flour tortillas with holes eaten through the middle
And one half eaten Pop-Tart

GROSS! Now just so you understand, I pull the furniture out and vacuum under it once a month, this whole stashing crap is a new thing going down at my house! I DO NOT LIKE IT! I WAS LIVID!!!! I have caught all four children in the act! It's a laziness thing. They are thinking if they stash the trash under the cedar chest, couch, dresser etc. then they don't have to get up off their BUM and put it in the trash can 30 feet away, or if they shove the toys under the nearest piece of furniture when mom says to clean up then they won't miss any part of that Scooby Doo episode they have seen fifteen times!

Four days of the pantry being locked down: It is ten minutes after breakfast (Rub dumped his in the sink) and I see Rub trying to hide something behind his back as he passes me in the living room.
Me-"Rub, what do you have?"
Rub-"Nuffing"
Me-"Rub *insert middle and last names here* show me your hands!"
He pulls his hands out to reveal a stack of tortillas, and by a stack I mean boy had like 13 flour tortillas in his hands. They were folded in half and he had taken a bite right out of the middle. So now I had 13 flour tortillas with holes in the middle that had been slimed by Rub! (Explanation to come in future post)
Rub-*pouting that, I know I am gonna get in so much trouble so let me look sweet and dejected so she will feel bad for me, pout* "I wuv hungwee!"
Me-"Next time eat your breakfast and you won't be hungry."

Arrr!!! Note to self JC, get lock for fridge!

Same afternoon...I see sticky hand prints on the front of the freezer door. I know for a fact they were not there at lunch time because I wiped down the fridge/freezer when I did the lunch dishes. HMMMM! Where might that sticky be coming from? Step closer to further investigate and my sock sticks to the floor. Sticky, white drips of thick, creamy substance on my floor. Open the freezer and spy the open, half eaten ice cream carton and many more drips!

ARRRRRRRRRRRRR!!!!!! Call Vootz, Rub and Dub by their first middle and last names and Buzzy by his nick, first, middle and last name! (That is when Buzz knows mommy REALLY means business, when she uses all FOUR names!)"Who has been in the ice cream?"
*crickets chirping*
"WHO has been in the ice cream?"
*shoulders shrugging*
"ALL OF YOU TO YOUR BEDS RIGHT NOW! GOOD NIGHT!"

Next morning 6:30 am: I see Dub walking around with Cheetos, Rub has Nillas, Vootz has fruit snacks and Buzz wants me to open a bag of marshmallows.
Me-"Where did you get those? Was the cupboard unlocked?" (Thinking...did I lock up last night after I got JC's snack?)
Vootz-"We found the key! It was in the freezer!" *said with a proud tone of accomplishment*
Me-"Uh-uh NO! Give me those Cheetos, Nillas, snacks and marshmallows NOWWWW!!!! You stay out of the kitchen PERIOD! Next one of you that passes this counter is gonna be grounded for a week!" When you get a job and start paying for the food in this house then you can come in the kitchen. Until then, stay out."
Buzz-"What... are we suppose to die of thirst?"
Me-"10,9,8,7,6.....JC I'm going shopping I will be back when I no longer feel like selling your boys to the gypsies!"

There's No Place Like Home...part three

The trip home was uneventful aside from me getting incredibly car sick. I did not puke but I was not well, I just wanted to go to bed. I got the boys all unloaded and the two little ones tucked into bed. I unloaded the car and was going to go to Checkers to get dinner for Vootz, Buzz and JC who I was pretty sure hadn't eaten all day since I was not home to fix him lunch. (I found out later he had gone to the deli for lunch, so no husbands were starved in the making of this anniversary party.) Like I was saying, I was going to go to Checkers but I could not find the keys to dad and J's car! I needed to lock it up before I left. Their car will not lock with out the key and I was not going to leave the car unlocked all night long parked on the street. I looked all over the house, all over the garage, in all the things I unloaded from the car, on JC's desk where I parked my bum while I greeted him and told him about my day, in my pockets, on the grass, in the car, on the street. NO KEYS!! My neighbor, the sweet one Dub loves, even came over and helped me look. I was crying like a baby! I was going to have to call and tell my dad, who was nice enough to lend me his car in the first place, that I could not find the keys! It is now dark! My kids and husband are hungry! I am now not only car sick but upset sick and I cannot find the keys ANYWHERE and I am PANICKING! I say a quick prayer for the guts to call dad. Finally I pull the middle seat forward for like the 4th time and sweep my hand under it again...Low and Behold I found the keys!! Lock the car and carry the keys directly to the cupboard in the kitchen. Phew! I am never borrowing anything from anyone again! First my kid pukes in their car and then I lose the keys! It's just too much! I can't handle the stress!

There's No Place Like Home...part two

Upon arriving at Dad's the boys immediately bale out of the car before I even get it in park, good thing I discussed the "Rules" (i.e. don't play with snakes) and the "Manners" (i.e. shake hands with the men and greet the women) on the way up because they were gone like the wind the moment their feet hit the cow pies (literally, I parked them right over a cow pie, thankfully old and dried)! Dub who can't undo his own buckle yet is yelling "get me outta heeya!" My family greets the kids on the porch with questions of how are ya and how was the drive? Upon seeing an undie clad four year old and the "prop me up in the corner with your most jumbo-ist (yes I realize this is not a word) Diet Pepsi" look on my face they realize the drive was not pleasant.

Let me give you a little pre-drive history. By the time we got on the road, an hour later than planned, I realized I had a headache. I was not about to go back to the house for Motrin so I did the next best thing, went through the drive thru and got an extra large Diet Pepsi! This Diet Pepsi was gone about 20 minutes into the hour long trip. Math lesson:
If Kiwi drinks 64oz of soda in 20 minutes and has 40 minutes left to drive (barring any... oh lets say puke stops!) and a human bladder can hold 16 ounces of fluid. At what rate does the fluid travel through her and is she going to make it before she pees her pants in front of 45 relatives?

My eyeballs are floating at this point, but mom's can't pee until the situation allows for it and obviously a streaking child, a puked on car and car seat and a bag full of pukey clothes, a bunch of relatives to greet and 4 kids to take pee the situation definitely did not allow it at this point. So I bathe and re-dress Rub in the extra clothes I brought, because I am brilliant like that. Rush all 4 kids to the toilet but not before Dub pees his pants. Bathe Dub and re-dress him. Start a load of laundry, scrub a car seat, seat of the car and spray them with Lysol(again, sorry dad and J, hope the smell leaves soon!) Greet all the relatives and add a few things to the "Rules" that I forgot, like don't walk through the field while the men are shooting, please stay on the path so they don't accidentally shoot you. And if you have to cross a fence or cattle guard it means you've gone too far! Now I can finally pee.

The rest of the day was filled with yummy food and crazy shenanigans. My family is wild! The boys played hard. I bathed them at dad's and jammied them up, again because I am MOM hear me ROAR! Number one reason to bathe them before we left, I wanted to leave the mountains in the mountains! I just cleaned my shower and they were DIRTY! Sorry J Number two reason, I knew they would fall asleep on the way home and then I could just put them to bed, and they did. Dub was asleep before we even crossed the cattle guard at the end of the drive way, Rub and Buzz were out about ten minutes down the road. The two little ones stayed asleep when we got home but Buzz woke up and needed to eat, I wonder why? Couldn't be because all he ate all day was Cheetos, strawberries and root beer! When I was a kid I loved tri-tip, beans and french bread and can't imagine anyone not loving that meal but my kids won't touch it, so they dined on all the things Uncle D brought from Frito Lay/Pepsi CO (he works there. The kids think he is the greatest because he brings huge boxes of Cheetos, peanuts and all manor of junk food! We will pick up part three the final installment tomorrow.

There's No Place Like Home...part one

Today I loaded up the boys into my dad and step moms car (mine is still not working) and headed to their house in the mountains for my Gram and Gramps' 60th wedding anniversary. I LOVE to go "home"! I miss it up there and I think JC is afraid to let me go too often for fear I may not return. LOL! It is so beautiful up there. I love the mountains even though I get VERY car sick. I found out the hard way today that Rub also happens to get car sick. Weak stomachs should exit this blog NOW! Go ahead, I will wait, seriously you do not want to be here right now......

Okay, I think it's clear. Vootz gets car sick too so I was checking with him every so often to make sure he was doing alright. In this "how ya doin'? Let me know if you think you need to pull over, and please try to give me some warning to find a turn out" conversation Rub pipes up with "I nee frow up." I pull off the road jump out, unbuckle him and rush him over away from the edge of the road. Lightening speed I tell ya! He does a "fake" blah sound and I begin to question his "car sickness" vs just wanting to get out and move around.

Me-"Are you really sick or just pullin' my leg?"
Rub-"Puwin your weg!"
Me-"Okay then lets go, you can play when we get to Papa's house."

Make him pee first, because I am a mom and know to do these things and load him back up. We're off! Not a mile down the road...
Rub- "My tummy..BLAHUP!!"
Me' "AH CRAP! Vootz look away, hold your breath..."
Rub-"BLAHUP, BLAHUP" well you get the picture.
Vootz *gagging* Did I mention Vootz is also a sympathetic puker? Huh-huh yeah!
Me- "Vootz I see a turn out, get your seat belt off and get ready to jump out as soon as the car stops!"

We get stopped and Vootz bales, Rub is covered, his fluvy (security blanket)is covered, his car seat is covered! I unbuckle his seat from the car and lift it out with him still in it. Pull him out, strip him down nekked, which we all know he doesn't mind. So here I am on the side of the road with a nekked 4y/o, a gagging 8y/o and a huge mess! I stripped the cover off the car seat and put it in a plastic bag with all the other pukey clothes tied it up tight and put it in the back. Used a half flat of water and a whole package of wipes on my son, his car seat and the seat of the car (sorry dad and J). All the while my son stands nekked as a jay bird and just as happy on the side of the road while cars just pass and do that "sucks to be you laugh". So put Rub in a pair of extra undies (packing extra clothes and jammies, brilliant on my part, thank you I know *bows*), leave him in just undies to avoid more laundry should he not be able to make it the last 11 miles, that's right boy chucked with only 11 miles left to go! Put Rub in Buzzy's booster seat, Buzz in just a seat belt, puked on car seat in the back, roll down all the windows and we're off again!

Here is a question for you though...Rub is 4y/o and 43ish pounds, Buzz is 5y/o and 39pounds. Technically Rub is old enough and weighs enough for a booster seat, Buzz is old enough for a booster but one pound light for a booster seat. So what to do? Who should have been in the booster seat? At a safety check program they say always put the youngest in the "safest" position. But I am assuming they say that because they are assuming the oldest weighs more. So who is making the ass out of u and me? Me or them? Ryan can you tell me?

Insight For The Common Sense Challenged

Just a few things I would like to make known to people who don't think things through.

1. Carpet in a bathroom...STUPIDEST IDEA EVER!!!!! DO NOT PUT CARPET IN A BATHROOM!!! It will get peed on, wet from steam, wet from wet bodies, wet from broken pipes/fixtures and overflowing toilets all this means MOLD and STINK! It also means a very irritated wife!
2. Carpet in a dining room....THE NEXT STUPIDEST IDEA EVER!!!! DO NOT PUT CARPET IN YOUR DINING ROOM!!!! It will get food stuck in it, drinks spilled on it. It will never look clean and your wife will not be happy and we all know what that means!!!
3. Smoke alarms in impossible to reach places...See here for explanation! This will lead to your wife telling you she has a headache and she most likely won't even be lying about it!!!
4. Doors that block you from opening drawers/cupboards/dishwashers/refrigerators. Accessibility is key!
5. Rain gutters on the back of the house but not the front! Why? I already had my shower I would like to not get another one on my way out the door to church!
6. Ceiling fans with the lights above the blades....have you ever experienced that strobing effect? Put the light fixture under the blades please!
7. Flat paint on walls....Are you kidding me????
8. White carpet....You are more stupid than I thought!
9. Cupboards with a six inch wide opening that go all the way back the entire depth of the counter top and make a 90 degree turn and go back the length of the counter top in that direction....I have long, thin arms but geesh not that long!! I will probably have to post a picture to explain that one.
10. Make a decent size bathroom stall dang it!!! I know when men use a stall they are generally alone, but women usually have at least one if not more children in tow.
11. Why do you put the bigger size shoes/clothes on the bottom shelf? It makes sense to me that probably the bigger the size shoe/clothes the taller the person is going to be. You have my 4'11" sister in law climbing to the top of the 8' tall shelf to reach her size 4 shoes and you have all 5'11" of me laying on the floor to get to my size 10 shoes!!! HELLLLOOO!!
12. Last but not least DO NOT make children's clothing in dry clean only fabric!!! Are you just a total moron?

Dang it can you help a girl out!

*Just a note for JC's buddies who read my blog (Thanks BTW, You guys ROCK!), JC is not guilty of any of these, yet.

...The Roof The Roof... Is On Fire...Let It Burn!

Yesterday morning I rolled out of bed still half asleep to make breakfast for Vootz. Usually we have cold cereal, toast or oatmeal what ever is easy and fast, but this week they are doing state testing and the school has more than stressed the importance a healthy, well balanced, good breakfast and plenty of sleep. Not only have they stressed it to the parents in the fifty fliers they've been sending home for the last month but they have stressed it to the kids so much that it is all Vootz has talked about for the last month. They have stressed it to the point that Vootz is kinda psyched out about the whole thing. I keep having to remind him it is nothing to stress out about, to relax and just read the questions carefully. Because Vootz has insisted he needs to have a better breakfast this week, I get pleasure of greeting the morning sun thirty minutes earlier than normal to make fresh organic eggs that our chicken laid just minutes before I merrily skipped out to collect them, fruit plucked fresh from our organic orchard, biscuits rolled out by hand, fresh squeezed o.j. again from our organic orchard. Yeah okay so maybe the eggs were purchased from Winco last week and yeah they probably aren't organic or even that fresh for that matter and the fruit and biscuits probably came from a can and well the o.j did too so what, shoot me. My kid got a balanced breakfast and I had to roll my less than cheery bum out of bed way too early to do it and I can't wait until this testing business is over!

I am a night owl and still get woke up at least once a night by at least one child, I am definitely NOT a morning person so this whole thirty minutes earlier business is a big deal to me. I am tired! Yesterday I decided to pop in a movie for the two little ones and sneak in a nap before I had to go get Buzz. Just as my head hit the pillow I hear...beep! Hmmm! Five minutes later...beep! Dang smoke alarm needs new batteries and of course it's not the smoke alarm that is easy to reach if I stand on a chair. No no it has to be the smoke alarm that is on top of the vaulted ceiling! Not only on top of the vaulted ceiling but three feet away from the wall so you have to stand on the ladder leaning against the wall and then lean back three feet. Another obvious design flaw by a man. Think I am going to change that sucker? NO FREAKING WAY! I do not do ladders! I call in JC and he tells me he will bring home the ladder when he comes home. Ummm...ok I have to listen to that annoying beep for the next five hours! Okay Kiwi you can do it. Just pretend it is one of the kids toys. Ignore it, go to that special place, focus, close your....beep, beep ,beep! What the heck! Now It's not just an annoying little reminder beep every five minutes. Now it is all FIVE smoke alarms going off, full force!

Rub- What that noisey? Call da firemens, da houf it burning down!

I make a quick walk through the house, no smoke, no smell. Close all the windows so they neighbors don't call the fire dept. to come out to the house that needs to replace their batteries. Head outside with kids and the phone. Look around the house to make sure no smoke is coming from the eaves. Nope! Call JC...

Me- Umm yeah, how long are you going to be?
JC- Why?
Me- All the smoke alarms are going off and I don't mean chirping, I mean GOING OFF!
JC- What do you want me to do about it?
Me- Get home with the ladder and change the battery would be nice! *trying hard to keep a civil tone!*
JC- I will be there when I get there. I'm busy right now.
Me- Fine *using all the strength I have not to jump through the phone and smack a boy!*

What? What's that, they're off. Silence. Yes! Everyone back inside, finish your lunch, it's nap time.
Call JC back...

Me- Okay they are off.
JC- Fine, I'll be home later.
Me- Fine, bye.

BEEP, BEEP, BEEP! Dang it! Can a girl catch a break!? Everyone grab your sandwiches and lets go back out side. The stinking smoke alarms went off for twenty minutes then were quiet for ten and they did that until JC got home and changed the battery. I thought the reminder beeps were bad, I will never again complain about a reminder beep. I will however change the battery before it sets off the other four alarms in the house. You ask why one battery sets off all the alarms? They are hard wired together. If one battery needs to be changed that one alarm will beep. But if you heed not it's beeping, it eventually more forcefully tells you to change it, by going off. Because our alarms are wired together, when one alarm goes off it sets off the other alarms too. It is a safety feature. If the fire is in the back room the front room hears it too, allowing plenty of time to escape. Long story short...Can a girl get a nap?! I am so tired! No still no nap yesterday, no nap today. State testing ends Thursday! Then we can go back to cocoa puffs and pop tarts and that thirty extra minutes of sleep! Yippee!

Rub is still disappointed that the firetrucks did not come.

Family Photos

It's been a while since I have had time or energy to post so sorry!

Saturday my Dad's wife came by to snap a few family shots for a photo album she is putting together for my grandparents 60th anniversary. I wanted to have the pictures in front of/around the piano but the house was a DISASTER and who wants to capture that on film as evidence that I am a slacker! it was a beautiful spring day so I opted for a nice front yard shot. The unfortunate thing was it was very windy and therefore did not produce many usable shots as my hair was attacking me or preparing me for lift off! In the shots my hair was manageable of course someone *coughJCcough* was scowling, or the boys were looking anywhere but at the camera. So this is the best of 10. We need help!

A Family Shot and a Pre-Family Shot

I remember a time when I was actually very photogenic. I even won Miss Photogenic in the Miss Bakersfield Pageant. WHAT HAPPENED??? I will tell you what happened....

1. I had 4 boys



2. I gained like 30 a few pounds...see #1 above



3. I got OLD fast wise beyond my years...see # 1 above!



4. I got REALLY OLD!!! mature...see #1 above



5. I got FAT cuddly...see #1 above

Now don't get me wrong I love my boys to death but man, kids can age you quick! I have even forgotten how to pose in all the ways that make you look so slim and hide all the flaws. Why? Because now I have to pose in a way that I can easily control my children...You look at the camera! You no bunny ears behind your brother! You get your thumb out of your mouth! You back in the picture! Every one smile! Ahh crap I forgot to suck it in! The other bad thing is with my step mom's camera there is no noise, no flash and it takes like 10 shots in 3 seconds! No Warning! I am use to the 1,2,3 click! Or the 1,2,3 flash, hoollld it, okay! When time permits I will have to have our pictures taken again but for now Happy 60th Gram and Gramps!

Nekked!....again!

So Sunday was the day I realized I really need to get Rubby to break his "carefree, blowin' in the wind, runnin' nekked" attitude. I went to get him from his Sunday School class, he is a big bad Sunbeam now. When I walked around the corner to his class room, his door was open and there was Rub, shirtless and grinning from ear to ear! I quickly shut the door and grabbed up his shirt and re-dressed him.

Me- "Rub, why is your shirt off? We are at church, we don't undress at church! You need to keep your clothes on!"

Rub- "I was fwetty and itchy!"

Me- " So was I but my clothes are still on. We can't just undress when we are sweaty and itchy Rub."

Rub- " I can undwess at home?"

Me- "When we get home you can put on some more comfy clothes but you cannot be nekked!"

When we get home, JC strips to his underwear and lays on the couch! And I wonder where the boy gets it!

Yesterday, a friend of the family comes over to drop Buzz off after a play date. Rub runs out to say hi.

Friends 5 y/o- "Rubs in his underwear!"

Me-"Good we've made progress! That's more than he was in five minutes ago!"

On a bike ride home from the park a couple weeks ago (Rub and Dub ride in a bike trailer) I hit a bump and Rub spills a drop (literally only a drop) of water on his shirt.

Rub-"You may me pill it! I all wet!"

Me- "You are fine."

Rub-" I nee take it off, It all wet!"

Me-"DO NOT TAKE OFF YOUR SHIRT!"

Not a minute later I glance back just in time to see his shirt flying out of the bike trailer! He stripped it off while wearing a five point seatbelt harnass and a helmet, and chucked it out on the sidewalk!

What am I going to do with this boy????? Any suggestions, aside from droppping him at a nudest colony????

Everyone Poops!

Bloghumbug! Not feeling very bloggy tonight but I will try to give you a little something though it may be kind of crapy. (pun totally intended!)

Dubby is potty training. He has mastered the whole peeing thing but was struggling with the poop issue. He holds it as long as he can by doing what we call the poop walk until the urge passes. The poop walk is when puts his knees together, pokes his bum out and up, points his toes in and walks prances on his tip toes. When the urge passes he goes about his business. He can usually stave off a movement for about two days. Then he passes a baseball and does, the something gross is in my pants walk, up on tip toes, legs spread out as far as they will go, bum up and out. Thankfully, he will do anything it takes to avoid smooshing it. Now, I caught on to the poop walk and started putting him up on the toilet whenever I saw him doing it. We would sit in the bathroom for like thirty minutes and nothing. Then thirty minutes later he was doing it again so back we'd go. We would do this all day and finally he would end up hiding up somewhere and doing it in his underwear. Ewww!

After telling my BFF this, she lent me a book called Everyone Poops! That same day I caught Dubby doing his little prance so I sent him off to the toilet and went to get the book. There is a page in the book that says, "What does whale poop look like?" The book does not give the answer but Dub immediately chimed in with, "Like Sharks!" LOL! Which made me think about Rub.

From the day Rub started using the toilet he has never said he was going poop. He has always said he was, "Making Sharks!" or "Making Crocodiles!" And peeing was never peeing, it was "making bo-bo's" which is Rub talk for bubbles.

Anyway back to the point. Per Dubs giggly request of again again, I read the book to him like half a dozen times. Still no poop and I had to leave to do errands so I give JC warning and head out the door. While I am gone...

JC- "Duh-you, where is my lil' Duh-you?"

Dub- "I right here, I goin poop the toilet! I nee you wipe my bum!"

The boy passes his baseball in the toilet! Woot Woot! So my question to you is this...do you think that the success came from the story with the line, "a one hump camel makes a one hump poop and a two hump camel makes a two hump poop...just kidding!" or from the fact that mommy wasn't there and he had his privacy! I ask because I got to thinking about my boys and how different they are all. They all have varying degrees of modesty. For example, Rub we all know is anything but modest, the boy is nekked 80% of the time and will drop trow in the front yard to pee in front of all the neighbors. Then we have Vootz who will pee outside in the bushes but discretely, pee with the bathroom door open and prefers to have someone to talk to while he poops. Then there is Buzzy who has to have the bathroom door not only closed but locked and NO ONE in the hallway before he will pee. So I am thinking maybe mommy just needed to back off. Maybe it is a combination of both, the book is definitely funny, worth it either way.

*I do not advocate my boys peeing in the great outdoors, unless they are at the ranch, just so you aren't thinking we are redneck or anything! I also don't advocate Rub's nudest ways and if anyone has any advice on how to get him to keep his clothes on I would be willing to try just about anything at this point.