Thursday, June 5, 2008

Irrational Much?

There was the roller coaster, Here is the ride!

The thought of moving away to a new town, new state, new house, starting a new job, new friends beginning a new chapter of our lives together with a clean slate is kind of exciting. Having to rely on each other and knowing that everything is new to both of us and together we will forge this new path. That is one of those atop the first big hill of the roller coaster kind of moments. It's a new and exciting unknown kind of high.

Then there is the reality that we know NO ONE! We have no external support system. What if we move in the middle of winter to a town that has four feet of snow and JC is called out right away for a job that will take five days to do and I have no fire wood cut yes, I know that is stupid and that heaters have been invented, and here is where my Dad would jump in and say, "Then you buck up and pick up the ax and chop your dang wood yourself, like I taught you to do at age 7. Instead of bein' the whiny, spoiled, pansy city slicker you've turned into." What if I need groceries while he is gone, how will I get to the store. What if the boys get sick or hurt, or worse what if I get sick or hurt, who will I call? no, not the Ghost Busters! What if we move to a small, close knit community, not unlike the one I grew up in that doesn't welcome outsiders. That would be called KARMA. These would be the lack of momentum arguments, aka at the bottom.

I love my neighbors that I have now. more importantly they love us, well at least they love Dub. I have great friends and family so close I could spit on them. I know what parts of town are "The Hood" I know this because I have lived there, I know what parts of town you just DO NOT go to unless you want to be found dead in an ally. I know this town! Yes, I am good at making friends, yes getting away from family might not actually be a bad idea, yes I am probably smart enough to figure out what side of the tracks I should or should not be on. These are the half way up arguments.

When I am awake I can pretty much control my roller coaster. Meaning, when I start getting all teary eyed at the thought of Dub having to kiss his Heavver goodbye and me having to explain to our family that we are leaving, and to the boys that they will have to make new friends in a new school, I can pretty much start thinking about the adventure of it all and end up back on top. When I am asleep however I have ZERO control of my roller coaster, this leads to a VERY bad nights sleep, which in turn leads to JC having a bad night too. (Sorry Honey.) Off topic sorry. Some nights I wake up terrified, others just sad and crying, others the adrenalin is rushing through me so fast thinking about the adventures that lay ahead I wake up ready to bound out of bed at two a.m. Whatever my last thoughts were of before I wake up for the day are generally a good indicator of where I will start my morning until something sends me crashing back to the bottom or holding my breath at the top with eager anticipation.

The stupid thing about this whole roller coaster is this, I MAKE MYSELF RIDE! Yes, you read that right. I am putting myself through all this when JC doesn't even have a job anywhere yet. We could be staying right here in Smogtown. I make myself ride however, because IF we do decide to leave, it will be fast. I am talking here one week gone the next. So if I don't get a hold of all my emotions and prepare myself now for what may or may not be I will be stuck in a town with no support system, a husband at work and sobbing on the kitchen floor in front of my boys. I have to be able to be strong and deal when (and if) I do move. So now I figure is the best time to be a basket case, when I have family and friends around to support me in all my irrational thoughts.

Speaking of irrational thoughts and neighbors, I just lost mine. Irrational thought that is, because my neighbor "Dub's Heavver" just came over to barrow my cell phone charger, because we are great neighbors and friends, we do these things. I bake them bread, they mow my lawn. It's that kind of neighbor that I am afraid I won't be able to find in another town. As if I have the only one to ever exist right here in Smogtown. I know, irrational. Like it or lump it's my roller coaster.

2 comments:

Karrie said...

Hey woman, Cousin David has told JC about a job working for a RailRoad (San Joaquin?)- supposed to be local, regular shifts, benefits, etc... only telling you because I know how men can be sometimes- occasionally they need a little help to make phone calls and fill out paperwork. Just so you know. Does not sound like any kind of fun, and I'm sure the stress of it all is just doubled with kids out of school. Good Luck!!!

Syndy said...

2 years ago I was right in your shoes, except we had a job and were transfering. It's so great to have the Church! Ready made friends! I totally sympathize with all your concerns. We knew NO ONE I had never even set eyes on the town before. I love it here. Funny how life turns out .