Do You Have An Extra Staight Jacket?

JC plays online video games. The boys think their dad is pretty much the coolest person in the world. They want to be just like him and spend all their waking moments by his side. They want "fur" like his, muscles like his, to fix fire trucks like him, to drive tractors like him and to have a cool, beautiful young wife like his, okay maybe I made up that last part. Anyway Rub was watching JC fly a jet in one of his games the other night, and the jet that was flying in front of his crashed into a mountain. Here is the conversation that took place...

JC- Ooo Crash! Did you see that Rub?
Rub- Yeah. He sacwaficed himsewf!
JC- Why did he do that Rub?
Rub- Maybe he dumb.
JC-*uncontrollable laughter for the next twenty minutes, and again every time he repeats the conversation*

Rub and Dub were playing a Thomas interactive DVD game yesterday...
Dub- Go slow!
Rub- No! Fast! I want to see what happens.
Dub- Maybe you'll freak out!
I honestly don't know where they get it. The vocabulary I mean, I know where they get the "I want to see what happens" bug, and the "excitement over what might happen if you do something wreckless, like drive too fast down a curvy mountain road with your carsick little sister" bug that is all my brothers fault. When Vootz was little he use to hand things to us with a screw driver and say "how it works?" He wanted to, still wants to, take things apart and see the insides and how they worked. What makes it do what it does. My brother was the SAME way, except he'd use a hammer, then it no longer worked.

All my boys at least once a day say, "let's see what happens if.." Scientific geniuses already! That I am sure can be attributed to me, the genius part that is. We all know that I am not only a beautiful, perfect wife but also a brilliant person. I just have to go undercover in this frumpy, never got my BS degree not the same as a degree in BS which I framed and display proudly above my desk. housewife garb to hide from NASA and the photogs for People magazines 100 most beautiful people edition because I want my kids to have a normal life.

Vootz also had the "tow it up" bug. Anything and everything he could tie up was tied up to something. He would hand JC's dad a rope and say "tow it up Buppa" and they would go off and find something to tie that rope to. They "towed it up" the wagon to the bike, the dump truck to the car, the car to the Vootz. Everything got tied to something and Vootz would have a huge smile on his face and say, "Look! We towed it up" That I am sure I can blame on Buppa, if for no other reason than he obliged every time he was asked to "tow it up".

Hold the presses! Dub just gave me the funny quote of the day...
"I wish losing were winning! Then I would win all the time!"
That's my boy, always thinking.

Rain Rain go away...
I need some sunshine in my life today.
Rain Rain go away...
I am going CRAZY, white coats are going to take me away.
Rain Rain it's been 6 days of rain rain rain!
I have puking punks, I am in a funk, I need to get away.
Rain Rain go away.

On the sidewalk I want to lay
Sunshine warm me with your bright yellow ray
Swimsuit clad, cool soda in hand, on the radio my favorite band
Rain Rain go away.

Breaking News!!
I have officially gone nuts. Admitting you have a problem is the first step in recovery right? Do they have a twelve step program for moms of puking, scientific geniuses who have not seen sunshine in days? Last year at this time I was sitting in my swim suit at the pool, sun shining on my face, soaking up some vitamin D. Today I am sitting in my office, pretending there are not four kids destroying my house, pretending that I don't really need to have a diet Pepsi, or chocolate donuts, or cinnamon bears, or pizza, or McDonald's french fries dipped in hot mustard. Pretending really hard on that last one, we are still boycotting McDonalds.

I need help. Over and Out.

Department of Much Viciousness

I went to the DMV Monday. Those words really are all I need to say to describe my day and my mood on Monday. But since you are obviously bored to tears enough to come check out my long neglected blog I will elaborate a little more.

I thought if I went early, the lines might not be so bad. Here is where you are all saying, "If you would make an appointment, the lines are not so bad." I know, I know, but it was a last minute "oh JC is home, he can babysit" kind of decision. So I jumped in the car and headed to the DMV. My first indicator that I should just turn around and go home came when I turned onto "F" street and there was a traffic jam. The second indicator should have come when I realized the traffic jam was due to people waiting for parking places to open up...in the DMV parking lot. I finally made it into the lot, and like the heavens opened up and smiled down on me, a spot opened right in front of me. So what if it was the wrong way on a one way row, it was the end spot, I looked up the row and no one was coming. I could so make it! And I did and I was even parked straight after a few tries!

I grabbed my paperwork and headed to the front door, being careful not to get run down by a few really grumpy drivers. Geesh people! Don't you know road rage is the leading cause of parking lot homicide. Did you wake up on the wrong side of the bed? Forget your coffee on the roof of your car? Does your pantie line show? Gotta run in your hose? Hair went flat. (Sorry I couldn't help myself.) The heavens are smiling, you should be too! Ouch, no wonder he is grumpy, he is missing his other four fingers! Well at least he waved, maybe he just looks grumpy. Wow! That's must be some angry rock music she's singing with! I am glad I can't read lips, because I am pretty sure some of the words she is saying would burn my eyes.

I opened the front door and a rush of warm air hit my face, carrying with it a nauseating combination of perfumes, colognes, body odor and flatulence. I waded through the mosh pit of people and made my way to window #2 to receive my number. The lady informs me the monitors are broken so be sure to listen for your number carefully. She hands me B150 as the voice on the speaker says, "Now serving B030" Fabulous, only 120 people ahead of me.

All the chairs were taken. People were stacked 7 and 8 deep, shoulder to shoulder, standing room only. I am sure the room was at least 3x the maximum fire capacity. The room was starting spin a little. I could feel the perspiration beading up on my chest. I wiggled my way through the mosh pit toward the front door. I don't do well in crowded areas, especially hot, smelly ones. I am very claustrophobic and very demo phobic. I burst through the door and out into the fresh air. I filled my lungs with fresh, clean air...ok we know that is a lie. I filled my lungs with good ol' B-town smog. It was a relief to be outside. Then a little ol' man and a small boy walked up to me. The man started jabbering to me. At first I thought I must be having a really serious panic attack, I couldn't understand a single thing he was saying. I knew he was talking to me, but it was not making any sense. Then the boy said, "My grandpa says the speakers out here are broken. You will miss your turn." Oh, ok, fewsh! I did not totally lose it, he was speaking Spanish.

I stood in front of the door. My heart raced, my forehead was damp. I said a quick "forgive me for crowding in the parking lot I am very sorry, it was not a nice thing to do and please get me through this" prayer and stepped through the door. Just as I walked through the door, a man left the chair right beside the door. I quickly planted myself in it. Then I thought, Is this a test? Am I suppose to give this chair up to someone who was here before me? Are you trying to see if I was REALLY sorry for crowding, because when you ask for forgiveness you are not suppose to repeat the action right? Or is this an answer to my "get me through this" prayer? How about if we meet in the middle. If a little ol' lady comes in I will give up my chair, ok? Or a momma with a baby, or someone on crutches, or a ready to pop momma.

After more than two hours, a moderate panic attack, and $800.00 later I left the DMV. But not before I made a comment to the clerk about spending my $800 on fixing the outdoor speakers and the monitors. I also might have mentioned that you cannot hardly tell whether the speaker is calling letter B,C, or G. And how I thought it was horse hockey that the people, specifically the two little old ladies, who could not understand or hear their numbers being called had to get new numbers and start all over again. And that when the monitor is broken they should call the number at least twice. Also that they were certainly beyond maximum capacity and that is a fire hazard. Thank you Margret, I am sure you passed on all my helpful suggestions to your boss, or not.

There were not even any key marks on my car, or profanities written in the dust or any kind of gross body fluids on my windows or door handles. I am sure that is because mankind has elevated itself above all that pettiness and has learned to forgive and love thy parking place stealing neighbor and had nothing at all to do with the po-po parked next to me enjoying his breakfast.

I Drown You In The Name of The Father....

Dub makes me laugh most all day long. When he is not making me laugh he is being so tender and sweet it almost makes me cry. I had a VERY EXPIRED roll of B&W film in my camera bag. I wasn't sure these shots would turn out all that great but we had fun taking them and I was very happy to see they turned out so well.

Funny Dub saying of the week:
We were talking about how Buzz only has seven months left before he gets baptized and Dub says "Mom, zero more until my bathtism."
Me- "baPtsim Dub, and you have 3 1/2 more years."
Dub- "Nooa! It's bathtism. You know when you get in that bathtub at the church and Dad drowns you down."

See, always making me laugh. Love this boy!

Mom, MD

Monday morning I called the doctor to make appointments for the boys to be seen for their sniffling, sneezing, coughing, aching, fevers and sore throats. I know you just said, "so you can rest medicine" didn't you? And an appointment for me to see my doctor about my crazy heart. I would not normally take them in for these symptoms but my mommy intuition said this is more than just colds. I was sure Vootz had a sinus infection, Dub had an ear infection and I was fairly positive the other two had pneumonia...again. The appointment nurse took all the names and id numbers for my kids and all their symptoms and said, "For the boys, I have one appointment at 1:00 today, an appointment at 2:00 and 2:45 tomorrow and an appointment at 9:00 on Friday. Who would you like seen first?"

First thought, ARE YOU FREAKING KIDDING ME!! You want me to 1. Expose my family to the germy waiting room three different times, so they have three times the likelihood of coming home with more than we arrived with. and 2. You want me to pick which miserable child gets to feel better soonest. No! No! No!

Second thought, Don't argue with appointment lady it will get you put on hold indefinitely. "Umm, how about scheduling Buzz for 1:00 today and I will just have Dr. S see the others while we are there, because he will, because he is a good man, and I hate pulling the psycho mom who makes the medical assistants day a nightmare routine but so help me I will if I have to! take the others to the urgent care."

"Okay mam, now for you I have a 1:00 today."

"Ummm, that's kinda not gonna work if the Buzz is being seen at 1:00"

"You're not bringing someone with you to help?"

"Nooo."

"Oh, well can you bring someone with you?"

"Nooo."

"Oh, okay. Well how about at 2:00 then?"

"Great."

Dr. S saw all the boys, just like I knew he would. Vootz has a sinus infection. Dub has an ear infection, and the other two have pneumonia. Three hours and $50 in co-pays later I left knowing exactly what I knew when I got there. Except I had to have someone with MD behind his name say that so I could get the $120 worth of prescriptions and a referral.

Go Back To Bed

Friday 2 am...
Awakened by sniffs and sneezes from the boys room. Bring Vootz tissues, trash can and cold medicine. Go back to bed.

Saturday 1 am...
Awakened by sniffs, whining and sneezes from boys room. Bring Dub tissues and wipe his nose for him because he still has not mastered that concept. He can write his name, Rub's name, mom, dad and Batman but he cannot figure out how to blow his nose. Give him cold medicine. Go back to bed.

Sunday 2am...
Awakened by tossing and turning in my bed. Get JC Tums. Go back to bed.

Monday 3am...
Awakened by snoring in my bed. Elbow JC in the ribs.

Tuesday 2am...
Awakened by a noise that sounds like our back door closing. Elbow JC in the ribs. Send him into the living room to find out who is in our house. Don't worry I sent a weapon with him. Checked my kids to make sure they were all still in their beds, checked the locks on all the windows and doors. Make sure my car is still in the drive way. Must have been the neighbors door. Add one more reason to my list of why I do not like the city. Go back to bed.

Wednesday 4 am...
Awakened by "mommy I'm scared". Tuck Buzz in on the floor by my bed. Go back to bed.

Thursday 3 am...
Awakened by horrible wheezing coming from the boys room. Give Dub a breathing treatment. Go back to bed.

Friday 1 am...
Awakened by Dueling coughs in the boys room. Give Buzz and Rub cough meds and puffs. Go back to bed.

Saturday too tired to care what time it was...
Awakened by "Hunny, you awake?" "I am now"

Sunday 4:30 am...
Awakened by crying in the boys room. Dub has a fever and ear ache. Give him motrin and ear drops. Go back to bed.

Monday 8 am...
Call the doctor. Wish I could go back to bed!

Universal Law #'s 121 and 122

Scrubbing floors in bathrooms, behind toilets *shivers, gags*, scrubbing walls, showers, counters, sinks. Answer the phone.

Me- Hello.
JC- My truck won't start. You need to come get me.
(my kind, sweet husband, always thinking about what I need)*look at clothes, look at hair, look at sans makeup face*
Me- Where exactly are you?
JC- At the ranch.
(Hmm. pretty safe bet no one will be around.)
Me- Alright, on my way.
JC- Hurry up would ya.
(gotta hot date? *looks in mirror, shutters* not with me.)
Me- Yes darling. Bye.

Get to the ranch, look around, yep pretty saf.....ugh another person. Try to stay concealed while JC gathers his things and gets in. We drive away and NOT toward home. Squirming, anxiety, perspiration, irritation. Pull up to very nice equipment yard. See nice looking man with beautiful wife and daughter. Die a thousand deaths. Try to sink down and go unnoticed. Unsuccessful. Beautiful wife and daughter approach, open door and introduce themselves to us. Very sweet. *pray I had a nice Fairy Godmother wave her magic wand over me while I wasn't looking. Thankful I had at least brushed my teeth and used deodorant that morning.* Drive away *think of ways to torture JC for this*. Miss our street. *fuming, squirming, perspiration, anxiety,* Pull up to gas station. JC fills my tank. *Think about forgiving him sooner or later...maybe*

Rub- Mom, dad has a lot of old hair right there.
Me- What do you mean "old hair" Rub? Why do you think it is old?
Rub- It's all white mom. Like old people.
*okay, had a laugh at his expense, got a tank of gas I might forgive him sooner rather than later.
On the road again, in the wrong direction again. Pull up at the barber shop. *Give thanks, they are closed* Headed the wrong way still. Pull up at the grocery store.

JC- I'll just pull up to the door, you can jump out and get things you need and I will find a parking spot.

Me- Let's just go home and I will go to the store Monday.

JC- We're already out. Just go.

*So NOT forgiving him.

Universal Law # 121
If you wear faded, bleach stained, holey yoga pants, baggie sweatshirt, no make up and have frizzy bed head hair you WILL be seen.

If you do your hair and make up every day and dress nicely, you will see NO ONE ALL DAY LONG, until you spill something down your front, or get spit up on etc.

Universal Law # 122
If you spent three days doing major house work, no one will will ever see it before it gets messed up again.

If your house looks like it could be the local landfill, expect company.

Universal Law # 123
If you have just gone grocery shopping, baked/ cooked up enough food for an army and have clean dishes to serve it up on, no one will ever stop by.

If you only have oatmeal and eggs and pickle relish left and all your dishes are in the dishwasher, expect company.

Dub...enough said.

Dub- Mom, we need to go to Target. Not to buy the Bat Spider but to buy kitty litter for sis.

Me- No. I don't need kitty litter for sis.

Dub- Yesss! She's hungry!

Me- Sis doesn't eat kitty litter, Dub. She goes to the bathroom in it.

Dub- Well we need to go get some cat food for her.

Me- No I have plenty of cat food at home.

Dub- Oh. Well if poo just comes out of her bum we need to put her on the toilet. Not our toilet. Her toilet, she's too small for our toilet, she'll just fall in down the hole and then we won't be able to give her gentle pets. But can we go to Target anyway? Not for the Bat Spider but for...umm...to just look at it?

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Conversations from this summer:

Me- Dub, we're going swimming get your flip flops on.
Dub- I'ne just gonna wear my Indie boots (Uggs)

Me- Dub, we need to go get Rub from school, get your flip flops on.
Dub- I just wanna wear my boots.

Me- Dub, it's 115 degrees outside, please leave your boots home and put your flip flops on we are going to the park.
Dub- That's ok. I will just be fine in my boots.

Recent conversations

Me- Dub lets go. Put your boots on we need to take the boys to school.
Dub- I can't find my flip flops.
Me- Dub it is 40 degrees outside! Put on your boots!
Dub- Ugh! All right!

Me- Dub, get your rain boots on we need to go to the school.
Dub- Ok mom.
Me- Dub those are not your boots. Those are sandals.
Dub- I just wanna wear 'em.
Me- Dub it is cold and rainy! PUT YOUR BOOTS ON!
Dub- I'll just wear my tennis shoes.

In the parking lot at the school ten minutes later...

Me- Watch out for the....ugh...puddle.
Dub- Sorry mom.
Me- Dub, why did you just jump in that puddle with your NEW WHITE SHOES?
Dub- I just did.
Me- Oh, ok. You just did. Hmm that tells me so much. Please do not jump in any more puddles unless you have your rain boots on.
Dub- Ok mom. I shouldn't jump in the mud too huh? That would be yucky.
Me- Very good. No mud.

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Mrs. MK- Hey batman how are you today?
Dub- Good.
Mrs. MK- Are you looking for the Joker?
Dub- Nope. Riddler Goons!
Mrs. MK- Ok. Well good luck. See Ya Later Bruce Wayne.
Dub- Bye. Mom she talks funny.
Me- She talks funny? You do realize that you are the one using the deep southern accent in California right, and you think SHE talks funny?